Bears’ Response to Build-a-Bear: Maul-a-Man

In response to Build-a-Bear, bears have forced humans to construct a franchise opening in malls nationwide, touting the catchy slogan “maul at the mall”.

After being exposed to the humiliating concept of Build-a-Bear, actual bears joined forces to create their own franchise that is taking the ursine world by storm. Enter Maul-a-Man, the new workshop for bruins who want to step into a room full of cowering people and just go absolutely nuts.

You may be curious how creatures without opposable thumbs or the ability to speak could pull off such a monumental task. It turns out these beasts have more ingenuity than we give them credit for. “We were forced to build this against our will,” said store architect Kip Stevenson, well known as the designer and architect of other famous franchises such as Dairy Fairy and Burger Lab. “They just surrounded me and growled, pointing at my computer screen, threatening to kill me until I started designing their store. Every time they didn’t like something they threatened me, so I changed it until they were satisfied. Then they did the same thing to the construction crew.”  Even the stores have humans working the cash registers against their wills, wearing color unified branded outfits. “The bears really understand the importance of branding. You have to give them credit for that,” added Stevenson.

If a Maul-a-Man Workshop has opened up in your area, you should move away immediately. Entire cities are already being taken up in the frenzy of the new business. There are over 900 workshops already constructed in the US alone, with plans to expand overseas. Each location boasts between 700-5000 maulings per day. The company was named to the UNFORTUNATE 100 Worst Companies to Work For® list in 2016. They have posted no revenue, as bears have no money. For more information on the burgeoning franchise visit the Investor relations section of their website.

Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them

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One thought on “Bears’ Response to Build-a-Bear: Maul-a-Man

  • September 1, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    I think that men that are dragged to the mall by their wives and girlfriends will line up to get inside this store. A gruesome death still beats 3 hours at Bed, Bath & Beyond.


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