Bear Attacks Leads to Euthanization of Entire Town

After multiple bear attacks, the small town of Gerber, MO made the difficult decision to euthanize itself last Saturday.

“Decisions like this are never easy,” said Parks and Wildlife spokeswoman Wanda Thresh in a post-mortem statement left at the scene, “but the bears feel like Gerber is their territory now, and frankly, it is.” The town met at the Gerber Community Center and lethal injections were doled out by city officials. 20,493 bodies were found strewn about the downtown area holding signs that read, “You win, bears”.

The attacks that led up to this drastic decision were some of the worst in the history of bear attacks. Just one week ago, when Gerber’s population was over 75,000, three grizzly bears attacked a football game and began a campaign of attacks that included churches, bus stops, donut shops, the circus and a honey farm.

A memorial service for the town of Gerber will be held on Wednesday in the neighboring town of Spindle, barring any unforeseen bear attacks.

 

Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them

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4 thoughts on “Bear Attacks Leads to Euthanization of Entire Town

  • September 15, 2016 at 8:20 am
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    That’s bullsh****t tranquilize the bears haul them out via cattle haul trailers to the United states forest areas a allow regulated monitored bear hunts via the American department of fish a game

    Reply
    • September 17, 2016 at 7:29 am
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      I think you may have misunderstood. The bear lived. It was the town that euthanized themselves.

      Reply
  • September 19, 2016 at 7:51 pm
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    heh…someone there has never grasped “satire” or spoof.

    Reply
  • January 23, 2017 at 12:49 pm
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    What kind of donuts to bears like best? You might think blueberry, but it’s actually…..

    BEARCLAWS!! (thank you! I’ll be here all week…)

    Reply

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