Bears Removed from Endangered Species List; Every Other Living Thing Added

Conservationists celebrate bear population reaching a record high. Rest of earth laments impending doom.

There was big news out of the International Union for the Conservation of Nature today, as all varieties of bears were officially removed from the endangered species list. IUCN spokesman Blake Thomas said that the decision came after careful tracking of recent bear populations in their natural habitats, such as “Africa, the Arctic, New York City, and anywhere else a bear damn well pleases to be.”

Environmental analysts say that this decision proves once and for all that bears have finally been able to overcome their natural handicap of being born the fiercest killing machines on the face of the earth.

It wasn’t all good news, however. In fact, since the committee began tracking the bear populations, they have noticed a severe drop in the populations of some other species. Most notably: all of them.

“…since the committee began tracking the bear populations, they have noticed a severe drop in the populations of some other species. Most notably: all of them.”

“While bears now seem to be thriving, it appears to be at the expense of literally every other living creature on Earth,” Mr. Thomas continued. “Nothing seems to be safe. Humans, birds, lobsters, gnats… all of them are getting absolutely decimated.” When asked if the decline in other species was linked to the rise in bears Thomas answers, “Well that’s a complicated que—” then he was mauled by a bear before he could finish speaking.

As such, the IUCN has been forced to modify its famous list to include approximately 8.7 million new additions. To make matters worse, printing out the updated list has caused three different types of trees to go extinct, too.

“…the IUCN has been forced to modify its famous list to include approximately 8.7 million new additions. To make matters worse, printing out the updated list has caused three different types of trees to go extinct, too.”

We reached out to American Forest Foundation for comment, but unfortunately, they were not able to get back to us by the time this article went to publication, due to the fact that all of their spokespeople have been recently mauled by bears.


jsolx19xAlan Denton is the Writer / Story Editor for Sonic Boom (airing on Cartoon Network); Co-creator of Grandma vs. the Internet; staff writer. Follow Alan on Twitter at @AlanTheWriter

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