Indestructible Mega Tardigrade Unleashed on San Diego

Scientists lament as tardigrade experiment ends in thousands of lost lives.

Nicknamed the “water bear,” tardigrades are an eight-legged, segmented, water-dwelling micro-animal. That is, until now. Radiation experiments at the Southern California Center for Hasty Research have resulted in the mega-growth of a tardigrade, nature’s most indestructible animal.

Already able to survive extreme heat and cold, atomic blasts, intense pressure, space, and survive for up to 30 years without food or water, everyone was fairly comfortable with the fact that, though the creatures were closely related to bears and posed the same threat to mankind as bears but with way more to fear, at least they were microscopic. The decision to attempt enlargement was questioned by everyone involved, even before it was accomplished.

Little is known about the procedure that caused the rapid growth. Even by the scientists responsible is not known. None survived, and none of their notes were retrieved. The only information available is that this morning around 8:30am, the SCCHR facility burst into a cloud of splinters and powderized matter as the mega tardigrade expanded from a microorganism into a 200-foot tall mega beast in less than one second. Among those lost in the mishap was senior hasty research specialist Dr. Tom Badrick.

The mutation immediately took to the city, sucking cars and people into its tube-shaped, dagger-filled mouth hole, turning everything it ingested into a glowing green hazy substance. As it has knocked over buildings and tore down bridges, it has not stopped for anything. The military has responded, though it has been completely ineffective. “It can’t be bombed, it can’t be shot, it can’t be frozen, it can’t be hurled into the sun,” announced president Obama in an emergency statement to the press. “Folks, this is basically how we all die.”

BNN will continue bringing you the latest updates on the disaster, right down to the minute we die as well.


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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