Bear Feces Reveal Diet Consists of Aliens, Santa

In a recent surveying of the contents of bear feces, scientists discovered salmon, honey, humans, pegasus, aliens and more.

PERRIMORE, MO—Scientists at the Center for Ursine Fecal Studies and Dissection have made a slew of findings during a recent root through a petri dish of bear feces. The findings answer a lot of questions mankind has asked for ages. Is there alien life? Are there still ninjas? Is Santa real? The answer, it turns out, is yes, they exist and bears have been eating them all. The findings even include leprechauns and the famed Pegasus.

“Basically everything we thought was real, is real. It’s just bears are eating it,” said fecal researcher Mark Thiebaud. “Our findings have brought us to the conclusion that Earth isn’t the only planet with life on it by chance. Bears have cleaned all the other planets off. We are all that is left.”

bearpoop-chart

Researchers now believe that goblins, minotaurs, hobbits, the Noid and the Kraken are all real and were most likely eaten by bears. “It really opens up a whole world of possibilities,” said Thiebaud. What mythical creature do you suspect got eaten by bears?

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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2 thoughts on “Bear Feces Reveal Diet Consists of Aliens, Santa

  • October 7, 2016 at 5:31 am
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    Ah, now it makes sense! When Arthur Conan Doyle saw those photographs of garden fairies, he WASN’T being bamboozled by a con artist. They were really there! But before he could hurry up to the house and get someone to come back out and witness it, a bear had lumbered by and eaten twenty fairies in one gulp.

    Reply
  • October 8, 2016 at 11:31 pm
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    MISLEADING AS USUAL. IT IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE US HUMANS ARE TASTY FRAGILE MEAT SACKS. BEARS EAT OTHER THINGS TO PROTECT THEM. BEARS ARE FRIENDS.

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