Eight Tips For Halloween Bear Safety

Halloween is an exciting time of year for children and parents alike, but bears love it too. To help ensure you have a safe and spooky holiday, here are some safety tips. Please share these tips with everyone you know so that we can all practice bear safety this Halloween.

1.) Don’t dress as a salmon or a jar of honey

This may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be amazed how many people decide to dress as a large, shimmering sockeye salmon for Halloween. Honey is a popular costume as well. Both are a horrible idea if you are trying to avoid bear attacks. If you go out on Halloween dressed like this, you’re basically asking to get attacked. Instead, dress as something bears show little to no interest in, like cabbage, a business card, masking tape or a moth.

salmoncostume
Why not just dress as a literal dead person and die already?
2.) Look both ways for bears before crossing the street

Another no-brainer, but sadly many people don’t look both ways for bears before crossing the street. Bears move at extreme speeds and they can always see you, even in a dark costume, bears have heat sensor vision and can spot anything with blood circulating through their bodies. Always to your right and then your left. If you spot a bear in the distance, try to grab onto a passing vehicle and hold on. You will never outrun a bear on foot.

3.) Don’t trick-or-treat near streams where salmon are spawning

Make sure you aren’t trick-or-treating in an area laden with hungry bears. Trick-or-treating near streams full of salmon or beehives full of sweet, dripping honey may be a tempting place to go knocking doors, but you’ll be knocking on heaven’s door if you keep that up because you’re sure to run into a bear along the way.

salmon stream
Trick-or-treating near salmon-packed streams is a surefire way to get trick-or-eaten by a bear.
4.) Check your area with a bear locator app

It’s also wise to use a bear locator app such as GrizzAware™ or BearOverThere™. These new apps will use public records to let you know which houses in your area have recently been moved into by bears and offer you statistics such as kind of bear, height, weight and known kills.

grizzaware
GrizzAware can be very helpful in locating registered bears in the area.
5.) If a bear gives you candy, dispose of it immediately

No bear gives out candy just to be nice. Kindness is nowhere in the nature of a bear. Ursine logic is rooted in contempt for humanity and can never be trusted. If a bear gives you candy, throw it out, preferably into a volcano or vat of molten metal. Whether it’s full of poison, razor blades or intestine melting acid, it’s not going to be the sweet treat you hoped for.

6.) If a bear comes to your door, feed it the least desirable member of your household

This is a tough one. Nobody wants to have to choose among family members, but you answer your doorbell and there is a bear standing there, your best bet is to offer up one member of the family. Otherwise, the bear will force its way into the home and devour your entire family at random. Better to hand over an unruly child or reprobate uncle before scat hits the fan.

7.) Trick or Treat with someone larger than you. If a bear chases your group, the largest person will be eaten first.

Try to get a neighbor to join you who doesn’t get much exercise. Chances are you’d rather a bear eat them than your own family. Choose wisely, as bears tend to go for the largest member of the group because of their innate sense of greed.

8.) If you dress as a bear and bears accept you into their sleuth, you can never leave

This is why dressing as a bear might not be a good idea. If they sniff you out and realize you are a fraud, you will be mauled to death. But if they are fooled by your costume, they may accept you as one of their own, in which case you will be forced to live the rest of your days as a bear because the moment you try to get away your cover will be blown.

Guy in bear costume stuck with a bunch of real bears
Good job, you just sealed your fate, buddy.

Have any more bear safety tips for this Halloween? We’d love to hear them.

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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