10 Ways Bears Can Kill You That You Haven’t Even Thought About

Do you find yourself fretting over all the recent bear maulings in the news lately? You should. Turns out, there are actually lots of other ways bears can kill you, too.

#1 Lingering Infection

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If you come across a particularly lazy bear, it may not want to expend all its precious energy tearing apart your sad, meatless corpse. Instead, it may choose to give you a simple gash, and then let nature and bacteria do the rest of the work. Think of those extra moments as “bonus time” as you slowly wither away in agony over the next few days / weeks.

#2 A Clever Bear-Placed Trap

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As one of the animal kingdom’s most skilled hunters, bears have become quite adept at taking down prey. Some have even been known to lay “traps,” such as deep holes concealed on the top with mud, leaves, and the severed heads of their previous victims.

It’s nothing new. Since the beginning of time, bears have been seen hunting with the assistance of crude tools such as rocks, sharpened sticks, and blowtorches.

#3 While Falling Out of a Tree

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Among the top 500 most terrifying facts about bears is that they can climb trees better than you. Thing is, though, most branches aren’t built to handle a bear’s massive weight and will snap if the tree is too much of a bitch. When that 1500-pound beast comes falling back to earth, you’d better look out.

If you’d like to avoid a crushing aerial death by bear, try one of these tips:
– Stay away from forests, parks, city streets, or anywhere else you might find a leaf on the ground.
– Drive everywhere in one of those military-grade Humvees with the lead rooftops.
– Just kill yourself right now while you still have some semblance of control over your life.

#4 Hidden Inside an Oversize Novelty Birthday Cake

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It’s a rite of passage: Every year on your birthday, somebody orders one of those giant birthday cakes delivered to your doorstep with an exotic dancer inside. But, when making the reservation, be sure to tell your friends to check the business’s Yelp page first. You see, while most giant novelty birthday cake companies are above-board, it only takes one or two predators to ruin the fun for everyone.

#5 Disabling Your Carbon Monoxide Detector

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Carbon monoxide is known as “the silent killer” and is virtually unnoticeable by human senses. To that end, manufacturers recommend that you install a designated carbon monoxide detector on each floor of your house and inspect them every six months to make sure they haven’t been deactivated by a local bear.

Signs that a bear may have tampered with your carbon monoxide detector include corroded batteries, honey-clogged buttons, and large claw-shaped gashes along the front and sides of the unit.

#6 Pushing You Off The Top of the Luxor Casino

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The Luxor, with its unique pyramid design, is one of Las Vegas’s most iconic hotels. Its highest rooms are particularly sought-after by tourists for their breathtaking views of the Strip…and by bears for their conveniently thin windows. With just a light shove, a bear can easily send an unsuspecting victim sliding down 30 stories to certain doom. But you know what they say: “What happens in Vegas– OH GOD BUT I HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!”

#7 Through the Power of Positive Thinking

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It was a dark day when that first bear wandered by the discount bin at Barnes & Noble and discovered the words of self-help guru Tony Robbins. Ever since then, bears have been consuming his inspiring words almost as fast as the flesh of helpless humans.

Now, through just the forces of positive thinking, a bear can kill anything it wants simply with wishing it. Fortunately for us, though, they mostly use their thought powers on things like salmon or the US housing market.

#8 Using Their Newly-Evolved Third Eye Laser

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When we first heard that bears had evolved a new eye in the middle of their foreheads that could shoot lasers, we thought, “…Maybe they’ll use it for good things?”

Unfortunately, so far they seem keen to mostly just use it for death.

#9 A Beartastic Voyage

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The San Diego Zoo admitted it was strange when all the bears in their enclosure started taking notes during an evening screening of the 1966 sci-fi classic Fantastic Voyage. Turns out, the animals missed the film’s message of teamwork and togetherness entirely. Instead, they focused on the science of shrinking down to microscopic size in order to maul humans from inside our own bloodstream. This kind of surface-level thinking is why you rarely see a bear graduate from film school.

#10 While Reading This Article

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Have you been enjoying this humble listicle? Has reading about all these crazy bear encounters given you a good laugh? Well, think about how long you’ve been scanning through this page. What’s it been– three, maybe five minutes?

That was precious time when your attention should have been directed to important things, like securing your doors and windows. Now you’re completely exposed!

But hey, since your death is pretty much inevitable at this point, it would really mean a lot to us if you used your last few ounces of strength to hit that like button before you bleed out entirely.


jsolx19xAlan Denton is the Writer / Story Editor for Sonic Boom (airing on Cartoon Network); Co-creator of Grandma vs. the Internet; staff writer. Follow Alan on Twitter at @AlanTheWriter

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3 thoughts on “10 Ways Bears Can Kill You That You Haven’t Even Thought About

  • October 18, 2016 at 5:58 am
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    Well this puts a damper on the start of the day!

    Reply
    • October 18, 2016 at 1:14 pm
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      Oh god what have I done?!

      Reply

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