MARTAN, MO—Researchers at the Martan Center for Ursine Research in Missouri recently succeeded in putting a GPS tracker on an Alaskan grizzly bear. The bear, known to the research team as “Bear 238”, revealed an intergalactic journey of revenge, spanning time and space like no other creature on Earth.
Lead research analyst Karl Frumpkins was the first to reveal the discovery to the press. “We knew things were going to get interesting when the bear hijacked a rocket at NASA and forced a team of astronauts to fly him into a wormhole. From there we tracked the bear through various galaxies, devouring multiple undiscovered life forms and returning through a time portal to the 15th century to kill a man named Hodge. We have no idea why he killed this man because his legacy has been wiped from history,” Frumpkins said.
The bear also traversed jungles and swamplands, killing anything in its path. Its mission seemed both calculated and meandering. Sometimes the bear seemed to be seeking sustenance, like when it broke into a Turkish honey factory, and other times it was plotting revenge on humans and animals who apparently had done it wrong. At one point the bear entered a dojo in ancient Japan and defeated thirty- seven skilled ninjas. Another leg of the journey involved the bear becoming microscopic somehow and entering the bloodstreams of humans, causing an incurable virus called Ursine Death Flu. The bear’s motivation is still being studied and is mostly speculation at this point.
“We have so much to learn about these magnificent creatures,” said Frumpkins.
We do indeed.
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.