A new app used to locate and avoid areas where bears have taken over is now showing that trying to escape bears is pointless.
GrizzAware, the revolutionary bear location software which was originally created to help humans with cell phones keep a safe distance from bears, has become nothing more than a somber reminder of the doom that is coming to us all. According to GrizzAware’s bear location report, there is not one stretch of map on earth that is not covered in bears.
The app had been handy in choosing neighborhoods to move to or avoid, or where to let kids play, but now it is useless. With bears everywhere, the only thing left to do is watch the world be devoured one person at a time.
“Our servers are crashing constantly with the rapidly growing bear population,” said GrizzAware software engineer Muhab Juhadeen. GrizzAware ursine location technology uses radio waves to detect bear DNA, which is rapidly and mysteriously increasing. This has caused the app to update rather slowly so that even a bear’s real-time location is usually off by 30 minutes to an hour, meaning that if a bear is close by on the app, it will probably have eaten you before you realize it.
“We’re hoping to use the same technology to develop a machine gun that shoots bullets that automatically aim for bears, but they’ll probably have killed us all before we get anywhere near a prototype,” Juhadeen said.
For now, if you have GrizzAware on your phone, you might as well delete it. It will only show you what you already know: The bears have won and there is no escape.