DEVELOPING: THE SQUIRREL HAS BEEN DEVOURED ALONG WITH MOST OF HUMAN KIND. There is no hope. See end of article for ongoing updates.
Manske Park, ID—An unlikely partnership was caught on camera today between a gray squirrel and a relaxing brown bear. Photographers described the moment as “infectiously uplifting”. “You could really see a friendship forming right before your eyes. It was an honor to capture on film,” said local photographer Ivan Carrington. Soon, over 30 photographers had arrived on the scene to photograph the bonding creatures, all confident they had struck “internet meme gold.”
UPDATE 1: The squirrel has been eaten. It appears the bear was simply relaxing. It vomited what appeared to be human remains, then immediately bit the squirrel off at the waist. Photographers continue to take pictures despite the clear warning of open hostility.
UPDATE 2: Photographers have dispersed after nearly all of them have been killed or seriously wounded by the bear. 911 has been called. The bear has grown mad with rage. It is still rampaging after fleeing onlookers. It appears the squirrel thing was simply a fluke.
UPDATE 3: Paramedics arrived on the scene and had no luck reviving the lower half of the squirrel. Bear has attacked medical personnel and hijacked an ambulance. It is now driving down the street running into cars as they pull over due to the ambulance’s siren and flashing lights.
UPDATE 4: The bear has driven the ambulance off an overpass and into the roof of a roller skating rink. People cannot wheel away fast enough. Deaths incalculable.
“You could really see a friendship forming right before your eyes. It was an honor to capture on film”
UPDATE 5: Roller rink surrounded by SWAT team. Bear charges into gunfire and pepper spray but does not slow down. Tears through law enforcement officers like kleenex. Now headed down 5th avenue.
UPDATE 6: As bear overturns approaching police cruisers, chief of police resigns. New chief sworn in is immediately eaten. Bear is knocking fire hydrants over like bowling pins. City water supply is now in peril as city streets flood with water.
UPDATE 7: Military has arrived and opened fire on the bear. Navy SEALS on jet skis attack with automatic weapons. The animal has been hit numerous times but shows no signs of slowing down. The bear has entered the Carmichael & Barnes skyscraper and is going floor to floor tossing office workers from windows. Their cries fill the city air.
UPDATE 8: The bear has reached the 27th floor and is now on the roof of the skyscraper. It is standing on its hind legs and letting out a loud roar that is echoing into the distant mountains. A rumble is heard. Yes… the bear has summoned his brothers and sisters to join his attack. An innumerable amount of bears has descended upon the city. The military is retreating.
UPDATE 9: The population is in rapid decline as people try to escape the city en masse. Traffic has piled up, turning citizens into sitting ducks. Bears are grouping up against the sides of tall buildings and pushing them over, causing a domino effect of disaster. Other bears are jumping from rooftops, taking down helicopters, sending the spinning blades into crowds of frightened onlookers.
UPDATE 10: In a group effort, bears have dismantled the MacKenzie bridge and caused it to topple into the bay, making escape from the city almost impossible. Barrimore Honey Plant has been struck and is surrounded by a 12 block radius of honey and death. More buildings have collapsed, the streets are cluttered with busted cars and human remains. Humans have taken to the old subterranean subway tunnels for safety.
UPDATE 11: The bears have overthrown mankind. The few remaining human survivors live underground in constant fear of death. Word has spread that a small group of military has managed to gain access to the nuclear weapons the US government has had stockpiled. The plan is to drop them all at once.
UPDATE 12: The bombs will land any minute now. Our only hope is to wipe the bears off the face of the earth and start anew with the few surviving humans.
UPDATE 13: After years underground waiting for the radiation to clear, we are finally ready to emerge. We hope to find something that gives us hope when we reach the earth’s surface.
UPDATE 14: Oh God…
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.