At a Stoplight, a Bear Pulls Up Next to You: What to Do

#1.) Pretend you don’t notice it: Bears feed on attention. If you make eye contact, chances are they will take that as a cue to begin verbally harassing you. Don’t play into it.

#2.) Slowly roll up all windows: Try to do this casually. If a bear thinks you may be rolling up the windows to protect yourself, they may attack prematurely.

#3.) Turn down your stereo, especially if you are listening to “the Bear Necessities”: This should be obvious.

#4.)  Do not rev your engine unless the bear does: Never provoke a bear, especially at a stoplight. But if the bear revs their engine, rev yours back. Not responding at this point would be seen as a sign of weakness.

#5.) When the light turns green, punch the gas hard: Bears are vicious, but they have slow reaction time. Try to be prepared for the light to turn green and to get off the line first. This is crucial to any chance you may have of survival.

#6.) Try to crash into a salmon truck or honey factory: Your only chance of escape is to crash somewhere that will redirect the bear’s attention. A salmon or honey farm is a great option (though you should always remember to be careful of bees when crashing into a honey farm).  If you can’t find a suitable crash site, try to drive off of a cliff or hillside that is high enough to guarantee an unsurvivable fall. You do not want to crash and live in this situation.

Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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3 thoughts on “At a Stoplight, a Bear Pulls Up Next to You: What to Do

  • February 10, 2017 at 5:43 am

    Or you could just push your girlfriend out the front passenger door. You were having trouble figuring out how to break up with her anyway.

  • February 18, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    You might gun your engine and bait the Bear into a drag race. But don’t go anywhere. Watch him disappear into the distance and travel a circuitous route to your destination, making certain you are not followed.


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