Everybody is thinking about how to make Valentine’s Day special, but today is about more than love. It’s about surviving bears too. Here are some helpful tips for not losing sight of what today should really be about if you want to live.
1. Keep realistic expectations: If a bear is present you will likely die
2. If a bear gives you a Valentine card, respond with ambiguity.
Bears don’t handle outright rejection well, but you also don’t want to find yourself on a date from hell.
3. Resist the urge to look at your phone on your Valentine’s Day date.
Bears can strike at any time.
4. Lock all chocolates and heart candies in reinforced steel bear lockers.
5. Avoid calling your Valentine “Honey”
Unless you are trying to get them eaten by bears. (Also, it should go without saying but avoid calling them “salmon” as well.)
6. Try to take your date some place other couples might not think of.
The far reaches of space, the bottom of the ocean, inside a volcano. All of these are places for more romance and fewer bear attacks.
7. Pretend this is your last date together, ever.
It probably is.
8. Don’t make this day all about your partner.
Make it about survival mostly, otherwise, you’ll both die. They will just have to deal with being ignored most of the time.
9. Pack extra bullets for your partner.
Who knows, this Valentine’s Day just might end with a bang if you end up turning your guns on yourselves.
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.