Top Bear Sprays Compared: Which One Gets You Killed Fastest?
We had six of our top products testers spray a bear in the face with leading brands of bear spray. Of course, they all died, but who died fastest for the price?
There are a lot of bear sprays on the market these days, and all of them claim they can protect you from bears. While that is absolutely false, some of them will get you killed more slowly than others. When buying bear spray, you want a product that will anger the bear enough to kill you quickly. Nobody wants to die a slow death. When our six product testers put their own lives on the line, they chose these six name brand bear sprays.
Though we could not interview our product testers due to their being slain in the process, we did gather a lot of valuable information. Surprisingly, Bear Away™, the lowest priced bear spray currently on the market, was the most effective, causing the quickest and most painless death. Next was Ursine Mist®, a fragrant spray derived from human urine which claims to also attract human females, but was the most expensive brand available. Surprisingly, despite being 98% hydrochloric acid, Grizzle Drizzle© was not as effective, leaving the victim to spend over three seconds in agony before finally passing on. Cub Splash™, a bear spray marketed to kids angered the bear, but it took much longer for the tester to be slain. After that, Bear Off!™, Grizz Repel©, and Hey Bear!® all ranked dismally, taking multiple minutes to die with the worst of all leaving the product tester to be slowly and casually torn at for nearly two weeks.
Bear Spray is useful if your goal is to piss off a bear so much that it wants to kill you, but you should know what you’re getting yourself into before you buy.
Here is the full analysis:
|Brand||Price||Active Ingredient||Time Until Death||Level of Bear’s Rage||Consumer Rating|
|Bear Away™||$4.99||DEET||0.02 seconds||10||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Ursine Mist®||$21.99||Human Urine||0.1 seconds||10||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Grizzle Drizzle©||$7.99||Hydrochloric Acid||3.7 seconds||9||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Cub Splash™||$8.85||Picaridin||22.3 seconds||8||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Bear Off!™||$7.75||Oil of Lemon Eucalyptus||3:23||5||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Grizz Repel©||$11.25||IR3535||8:28||3||Unknown due to death of tester|
|Hey Bear!®||$6.95||Fart Spray||12 day, 13 hours||1||Unknown due to death of tester|
IN MEMORY OF OUR DEDICATED PRODUCT TESTING STAFF:
Timothy McGuire: 1952-2017
Paul Donahue: 1955-2017
Clive O’Reilly: 1989-2017
Mary-Beth MacWilliams: 1962-2017
Frank Mutton: 1984-2017
Wolfgang Van Giordanio: 1982-2017
This article brought to you in part by Bear Away™
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.
12 thoughts on “Top Bear Sprays Compared: Which One Gets You Killed Fastest?”
Completely unscientific! Why would you have a guy named ‘Mutton’ test bear spray? Bears LOVE mutton and would risk anything to get at some… To quote Monty Python…. “A senseless waste of human life!”
Looks like you may have some product testing job openings now. Where can I send my resume?
FRANK MUTTON !!!
Ivy will appreciate this response. She put a lot of thought into these names.
Well done you guys!!! Great fun , great article!!!!
Thank you for the helpful and easy to read chart at the end of the article.
I’m a little disappointed in this article. You clearly left out the two main contenders: Bear-B-Gwan! and Yogi’s Tears. Perhaps you are a shill for the human based spray companies. I can assure you, as an otter who has worked in the bear defence industry, great strides have been made in bear products by many other species. The rodent family in particular has been pioneering some really ground-breaking stuff, and the entire industry is excited by the rumors coming from the salmon community. Sure, there were a few missteps in the early days, when the caribou were brought before the international criminal court for using chemical weapons, but by and large, there has been an ongoing revolution in other species’ chemical bear deterrent technology. And except the salmon, most non-human field researchers tend to live long enough to return with their findings.
Derek P. Otterbahn
Head of Chemical Engineering at Otterbahn ResUrchin
It is rumoured that there’s always a wee bit of useful information hidden within paid scientific research – I also commend the testers dedication to the project! Their sacrifices will not go unnoticed…. lol
These are horrible reviews for bear spray. I have found no useful info. This could get people killed.
Now that’s funny!!!
Your research is wonderful and clearly evidence-based; however, it is the misuse of the sprays that caused the deaths of your product testers.
Clearly, most people disregard the recommendation to never be in bear country alone. Why, you ask? Simply put, bear spray is to be used on your partner as a way to tempt the bear into thoroughly enjoying the seasoned and somewhat spicy meal, giving you enough time to slip away. I’ve seen plenty of Kodiaks don napkins on their laps as they sit down to a delicious presentation of “Sweet and spicy Marie,” “Caribbean Jerk Brent,” and “Sriracha Steph.” In one case, I even earned the Grizzly Red Seal of approval for my take on “Chili ala Chester.”
Only in what the ursine overloads view as indentured servitude shall we have any hope of surviving.