Top Bear Sprays Compared: Which One Gets You Killed Fastest?

We had six of our top products testers spray a bear in the face with leading brands of bear spray. Of course, they all died, but who died fastest for the price?

There are a lot of bear sprays on the market these days, and all of them claim they can protect you from bears. While that is absolutely false, some of them will get you killed more slowly than others. When buying bear spray, you want a product that will anger the bear enough to kill you quickly. Nobody wants to die a slow death. When our six product testers put their own lives on the line, they chose these six name brand bear sprays.

Though we could not interview our product testers due to their being slain in the process, we did gather a lot of valuable information. Surprisingly, Bear Away™, the lowest priced bear spray currently on the market, was the most effective, causing the quickest and most painless death. Next was Ursine Mist®, a fragrant spray derived from human urine which claims to also attract human females, but was the most expensive brand available. Surprisingly, despite being 98% hydrochloric acid, Grizzle Drizzle© was not as effective, leaving the victim to spend over three seconds in agony before finally passing on. Cub Splash™, a bear spray marketed to kids angered the bear, but it took much longer for the tester to be slain. After that, Bear Off!™, Grizz Repel©, and Hey Bear!® all ranked dismally, taking multiple minutes to die with the worst of all leaving the product tester to be slowly and casually torn at for nearly two weeks.

Bear Spray is useful if your goal is to piss off a bear so much that it wants to kill you, but you should know what you’re getting yourself into before you buy.

Here is the full analysis:

 Brand Price Active Ingredient Time Until Death Level of Bear’s Rage Consumer Rating
  Bear Away™ $4.99 DEET 0.02 seconds 10 Unknown due to death of tester
  Ursine Mist® $21.99 Human Urine 0.1 seconds 10 Unknown due to death of tester
  Grizzle Drizzle© $7.99 Hydrochloric Acid 3.7 seconds 9 Unknown due to death of tester
  Cub Splash™ $8.85 Picaridin 22.3 seconds 8 Unknown due to death of tester
  Bear Off!™ $7.75 Oil of Lemon Eucalyptus 3:23 5 Unknown due to death of tester
  Grizz Repel© $11.25 IR3535 8:28 3 Unknown due to death of tester
  Hey Bear!® $6.95 Fart Spray 12 day, 13 hours 1 Unknown due to death of tester

 

IN MEMORY OF OUR DEDICATED PRODUCT TESTING STAFF:

Timothy McGuire: 1952-2017

Paul Donahue: 1955-2017

Clive O’Reilly: 1989-2017

Mary-Beth MacWilliams: 1962-2017

Frank Mutton: 1984-2017

Wolfgang Van Giordanio: 1982-2017

 

 

 

This article brought to you in part by Bear Away™

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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8 thoughts on “Top Bear Sprays Compared: Which One Gets You Killed Fastest?

  • February 23, 2017 at 1:27 pm
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    Completely unscientific! Why would you have a guy named ‘Mutton’ test bear spray? Bears LOVE mutton and would risk anything to get at some… To quote Monty Python…. “A senseless waste of human life!”

    Reply
  • April 10, 2017 at 7:33 am
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    Looks like you may have some product testing job openings now. Where can I send my resume?

    Reply
  • May 12, 2017 at 11:45 am
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    FRANK MUTTON !!!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

    Reply
    • May 12, 2017 at 11:47 am
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      Ivy will appreciate this response. She put a lot of thought into these names.

      Reply
  • May 12, 2017 at 4:58 pm
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    Well done you guys!!! Great fun , great article!!!!

    Reply
    • May 13, 2017 at 1:52 am
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      Thanks 🙂

      Reply
  • July 20, 2017 at 9:39 am
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    Thank you for the helpful and easy to read chart at the end of the article.

    Reply
  • October 15, 2017 at 1:14 pm
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    I’m a little disappointed in this article. You clearly left out the two main contenders: Bear-B-Gwan! and Yogi’s Tears. Perhaps you are a shill for the human based spray companies. I can assure you, as an otter who has worked in the bear defence industry, great strides have been made in bear products by many other species. The rodent family in particular has been pioneering some really ground-breaking stuff, and the entire industry is excited by the rumors coming from the salmon community. Sure, there were a few missteps in the early days, when the caribou were brought before the international criminal court for using chemical weapons, but by and large, there has been an ongoing revolution in other species’ chemical bear deterrent technology. And except the salmon, most non-human field researchers tend to live long enough to return with their findings.

    Thank You,
    Derek P. Otterbahn
    Head of Chemical Engineering at Otterbahn ResUrchin

    Reply

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