Mass Deforestation Proof Bears Fart in the Woods

“Nobody was even asking that question,” biologist Summer Varney exclaimed amidst a smoking pile of destroyed vegetation.

The question “does a bear shit in the woods,” has been asked for centuries. But looming on the horizon was another question that had not only gone unanswered, but unasked. Does a bear fart in the woods? The answer to this unasked question came in the form of a gust of toxic wind that tore 13 acres of old growth forest into a flattened pile of smoldering debris.

An estimated 8 deer, 2 hikers, 37 raccoons, 14 possums, 1 fox and 43 chipmunks died in the blast. One moose emerged in critical condition and is now at the Palooga Valley Veterinary Hospital on life support. His name is Braxton.  An estimated 9,256 trees were knocked over, at least 45% of them blown to small, useless pieces.

Investigators on the scene are working on a theory that the two hikers who died in the blast made the fatal mistake of not locking a can of baked beans up when they stopped for a rest. “If the bear got into those beans, you got yourself a problem,” Fire Chief Ryan Agadoni said.

The downed trees are considered too toxic to be used for construction. The fallout from the blast will leave the area uninhabitable for an estimated three years.

Prayers for Braxton.

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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