17 Dead 43 Injured in Bearsplosion

Experts believe rare phenomenon a result of intense passion for salmon

BRISTOL HARBOR, AK—The sound rocked Bristol Harbor at about 4 o’clock a.m. Monday morning. It came from Rocke Salmon Fisheries, the largest salmon provider in North America. When citizens looked to the sky they observed a red glow lighting up the night and bursting from it was over six thousand hungry grizzly bears. The strange phenomenon has been dubbed by scientists a “bearsplosion”.

What could cause six thousand bears to explode? “Mostly a passion for salmon,” said Dr. Jarvis Carver, head of the center for ursine biological studies. “The new bear-proofing system installed at the fishery worked a little too well.” Experts believe that the smell of the salmon produced such a passion in the bears that it hit a boiling point, and with the fishery’s new reinforced outer wall made of 37 feet of concrete and chrome steel, the bears couldn’t get in. All they could do is shove themselves into it in a salmon-induced fervor.

The new wall had been installed to deal with the ongoing bear problem. “We had bears breaking through the gates nightly, stealing fish and killing my staff,” said company president Jonathan Rocke. “This was supposed to solve the problem but it just made it a million times worse.” Among those who died in the explosion was Rocke’s CEO and longtime friend Marcus Fernihough. “Mark was always tossing salmon to the bears from the windows. He just had a love for the creatures,” Rocke said with a tear in his eye. Rocke says the damage to the factory was too great to repair it. “Rocke Salmon Fisheries is officially closed down. The bears won this one,” Rocke wept.

After scattering in a three-mile radius and falling from heights of over two thousand feet, every bear walked away unscathed.

A memorial service for those lost in the incident will be held on Thursday at the Pine Grove Chapel.

 

Co-creator of Axe Cop, author of Bearmageddon,  and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them. Find out more at www.EthanNicolle.com

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