Man Who Narrowly Escaped Bear Attack Dies of Pants Crapping

“He shat so hard it was like a damn fire hose.”

SMUCKER, TN — Local hunter, Ridley Bowman came face to face with a grizzly bear in the western region of the Smoky Mountain wilderness. Some would consider him luckier than most. He escaped the encounter without a scratch. “The bear… charged me… it swiped at me… UGH … then saw a honey truck and ran past me…” Bowman said between grunts of pain. At the time of the interview, Bowman was barely able to speak. At the time of this article, Bowman has expired. The prognosis? “He crapped his pants to death,” said renown doctor and digestive specialist Dr. Rudinbach V. Clarihew.

“The crapping started at the sight of the bear encounter,” Clerihew recalled. “The victim climbed into his Range Rover and managed the 25-minute drive back to town. Once he arrived at the hospital, the poo had filled his car. When he opened his car door the excrement poured out into the hospital parking lot. When they brought him in on the stretcher he was pooing with such force he would have shot up off the gurney had he not been strapped down.”

“When they brought him in on the stretcher he was pooing with such force he would have shot up off the gurney had he not been strapped down.”

According to reports, Bowman crapped so fiercely that, had he survived he would never have walked again. Dr. Clarihew estimated Bowman released 37 tons of fecal matter before he finally passed on.

“Bears possess a threat far beyond teeth and claws,” said wildlife specialist Clara Harrett. “Simply by freaking you the hell out, you can easily die of crapping the crap out of your pants.”

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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4 thoughts on “Man Who Narrowly Escaped Bear Attack Dies of Pants Crapping

  • June 1, 2017 at 10:30 am
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    What a massive lie. Fake news.

    Reply
  • June 1, 2017 at 9:25 pm
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    Someone is really full of s___t!

    Reply
  • June 13, 2017 at 9:33 pm
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    I know how Ridley must’ve felt, I was in the same condition the night before my colonoscopy.

    Reply

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