Critics of Hillary Clinton charge that she has close ties to bears, the enemies of man who do nothing but murder, hibernate, and then more murder.
Publically, Clinton states that she is anti-bear. At a recent campaign stop, she said, “My aides tell me people don’t like being mauled by bears. So I guess I’m against bears, then.” She then went on to call bears “superpredators.” Despite this rhetoric, documents show that bears are some of the top contributors to the Clinton Foundation, with donations often taking the form of partially dismembered salmon. Also, throughout her senate career, Clinton often tried to add riders to bills outlawing bear traps because of “safety concerns.”
When BNN asked political analyst and former Clinton Campaign adviser Dick Morris if he believed the rumors of Hillary’s ursine allegiance were true he said, “follow the honey. That’s all I need to say. Follow the honey.” Many critics say the “Clinton big honey machine” raises a lot of concerns about the dark underbelly of the democratic party, claiming the abundance of deal-sweetening liquid gold is a product of corruption and shady deals with foreign leaders and grizzly bears.
Clinton’s campaign first denied that Clinton has any ties to bears, but when documented evidence showed that she has accepted gifts from bears, they instead began saying Clinton mistook the bears for very large, very obese dogs. “She often has pneumonia and is constantly very confused,” explained her husband, former President Bill Clinton, helpfully.
It’s hard to know Hillary Clinton’s exact ties to bears, as she deleted all personal emails from her server, which included anything bear-related. And while it’s known that Hillary had given a behind-closed-doors speech to bears for a large sum of honey, she has refused to release the transcripts from the speech. Reportedly, though, the transcripts record nothing but a bunch of running and screaming.
Frank Fleming is the Author of the science fiction novel Superego and the self-help book Punch Your Inner Hippie: Cut Your Hair, Get a Job, and Make America Awesome Again and the world’s leading advocate for nuking the moon. Follow him on twitter @IMAO_ .