STUDY: Crying Like Little Pansy Drastically Increases Risk of Bear Attack

A new study from the center for Science and Factual Information reveals that bears target namby-pamby, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, pantywaist crybabies.

Maybe it really is time to suck it up. In a recent study by scientists at the Montclairborne Center for Science and Factual Information, test results reveal a solid correlation between weeping like a bellyaching little sissy and attracting bear violence. The evidence seemed to indicate that bears have a keen sense for “bitching and moaning like a little puss” and “they can’t stand that puerile twaddle”.

Scientists used a variety of test subjects to conduct the research, from people who were crying legitimate tears for lost loved ones to juvenile milksops whimpering and sniveling about vapid B.S. like cancelled NetFlix series, Second Life relationships and dropped ice cream cones.



“Bear attack prevention starts at your ability to suck it up and stop being such a little cream puff,” said lead researcher Aaron Reiger. “The more you howl and sob over petty drivel, the more likely you are to be a target. So just stop it. Stop. Get over it. What, are you gonna cry? Little baby gonna cry?”


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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2 thoughts on “STUDY: Crying Like Little Pansy Drastically Increases Risk of Bear Attack

  • September 30, 2016 at 12:05 pm

    You are so right! And that’s why I’ve come up with this preventive bear attack strategy: Every time I step outside the house, I walk straight into a tree. This shows the bears that I can take it without crying, and they leave me alone.


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