Trump on bear attacks “I admire them”

When asked to comment on the recent spate of bear maulings and the apparent war on mankind, Trump praised bears for their strength.
 CRUTCHFIELD—Presidential candidate Donald Trump once again went off teleprompter at a recent campaign stop in Crutchfield, MD and praised bears, the honey-loving killing machines that have long been the nemeses of mankind.

“You have to respect the strength of bears in the way they annihilate entire cities,” Trump told a cheering audience. I like the forceful way they deal with their problems. That’s how you get things done.” These comments followed the release of another controversial tweet last week about the tragic mauling of a group of Hikers in Redfish, GA.

 Trump's insensitive bear tweet

This is far different from Trump’s previous statements on bears, such as in 1997 when he told Forbes magazine, “Never once has a bear bought real estate from me. Also, I guess they kill people sometimes. Anyway, I don’t care for bears. Get rid of bears.”

Many think Trump’s new position on bears is meant to pander to the small but vocal pro-bear group that has arisen in the Republican Party, much to the consternation of party elites. Usually, “Kill the bears!” has been a big part of the party’s platform and a stark contrast to the more timid Democratic platform of “Maybe just tranq the bears.”

“I don’t even recognize my own party anymore,” said a high-level Republican staffer who asked to remain anonymous. “If there is one thing the Republicans have stood for ever since the days of Lincoln, it is the fight against bears. And now some want us to be more like bears because they think that will help us win? This is not a path we should be going down.”

An actual grizzly bear held a press conference to defend Trump’s remarks but gave no comment after being bombarded with questions. Instead, the bear grew agitated, swallowed a raw salmon whole, and then mauled several members of the press.


Frank Fleming is the Author of the science fiction novel Superego and the self-help book Punch Your Inner Hippie: Cut Your Hair, Get a Job, and Make America Awesome Again and the world’s leading advocate for nuking the moon. Follow him on twitter @IMAO_ .

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