Golden Beargle: Slayer of Multitudes, Protected Species

Did a golden beargle slay your family? Chances are, yes. In this day and age, more people are dying from Golden Beargle attacks than heart disease, cancer and diabetes combined. But just think about striking back and you’ll be slapped with a fine so big you’ll be paying it off until your own time comes to be carried away in those sharp talons. Golden Beargles are a highly protected species and shooting one can land you with a six-figure fine and more jail time than a convicted drug trafficker.

“The golden beargle must be protected, it is the rarest part eagle, part bear species on Earth,” said Senator Claudia Barkley (D-California). Barkley is well known for being a staunch pro-choice advocate and for her aggressive policies making the destruction of rare bird eggs illegal. “To kill something so precious and rare, even if it is destined to murder humans without stopping for its entire lifetime, is unethical. It’s not our place to decide what animals live and die.”

Last month Ronald Perkins of Montgomery Field, Utah gunned down a golden beargle who was tearing the roof off of his two-story home. Perkins is now serving a life sentence.

Golden beargle advocates say the animal cannot be held responsible for its actions. They say the creature’s killing sprees are a result of “bad environmental policy” and “corporate greed run amok.”

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One thought on “Golden Beargle: Slayer of Multitudes, Protected Species

  • October 18, 2016 at 3:02 am

    But what are we to do about it’s more culturally established relative, the owlbear?


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