With the rise in recent attacks by bears wandering around with miniguns implanted on their shoulders and firing at random, lawmakers are acting to put new laws in place which prohibit bears from carrying miniguns.
Last Saturday’s minigun bear attack on the neighborhood of Semper Springs, CO was only the most recent in a spate of minigun bear attacks all over the country. Nobody knows where the bears are coming from or how they managed to get guns mounted on their backs in the first place. “Those questions are not of immediate concern to us,” said senator Barbara Bach (D-Colorado) “The only question we are worried about is stopping the violence, which we intend to do by passing far-reaching and extensive gun control laws.”
“There are literally no laws about bears firing guns at random,” said Bach. “This has to change.” The new laws proposed would limit magazine rounds, barrel length and require the guns be locked away in a cave when not in use.
Communities affected by the tragic attacks have breathed a collective sigh of relief knowing that the new laws will end any future problems. They were happy to be denied military aid and defense when they found out about the laws. “I don’t think the founders had bears with Gatling guns on their backs in mind when they came up with the term ‘right to bear arms'”, said Semper Springs resident Charlie Boink. “Bear gun control is just what our country needs to keep us safe”.