New Gun Laws Proposed to Curb Recent Minigun Bear Attacks

With the rise in recent attacks by bears wandering around with miniguns implanted on their shoulders and firing at random, lawmakers are acting to put new laws in place which prohibit bears from carrying miniguns.


Last Saturday’s minigun bear attack on the neighborhood of Semper Springs, CO was only the most recent in a spate of minigun bear attacks all over the country. Nobody knows where the bears are coming from or how they managed to get guns mounted on their backs in the first place. “Those questions are not of immediate concern to us,” said senator Barbara Bach (D-Colorado) “The only question we are worried about is stopping the violence, which we intend to do by passing far-reaching and extensive gun control laws.”

“There are literally no laws about bears firing guns at random,” said Bach. “This has to change.” The new laws proposed would limit magazine rounds, barrel length and require the guns be locked away in a cave when not in use.

Communities affected by the tragic attacks have breathed a collective sigh of relief knowing that the new laws will end any future problems. They were happy to be denied military aid and defense when they found out about the laws. “I don’t think the founders had bears with Gatling guns on their backs in mind when they came up with the term ‘right to bear arms'”, said Semper Springs resident Charlie Boink. “Bear gun control is just what our country needs to keep us safe”.


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.
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5 thoughts on “New Gun Laws Proposed to Curb Recent Minigun Bear Attacks

  • October 29, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Well, that was a complete waste of my time. Sounds like something a 5th grader would make up. I hope someone did not get paid to write that. Now the article about the parents who might have to kill their child because all she can do anymore is move her thumbs and roll her eyes, that was funny. This, not so much.

    • November 5, 2016 at 5:13 pm

      It was a lot funnier and more interesting than your reply.

    • January 21, 2017 at 2:49 pm

      Oh, dear, Brenda. As far as I know, I’m the only real Bear here (see name) and your comment has put you on the Bear Radar. Not that it’s actually radar, but it is Bear, so the point is moot. Did you know a Bear can smell you through your screen? Bearmageddonnews is the greatest thing since The Onion, only better, since the Onion doesn’t have Bears. And before you report me to Human Police (and make both of us go through a lengthy battle over jurisdiction which can end only one way – hint, this site, I mean no harm to you, and will even forget your scent after several days.

  • October 31, 2016 at 12:55 am

    Aren’t we talking about the term ‘right to arm bears’ here?


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