According to insider sources, they also kill a ton of doctors.
BUCKLEY, ND—It was a cure found by accident when a lone grizzly bear invaded Bradley Meyer Cancer Research Clinic in Buckley, North Dakota. The beast killed multiple lab workers and turned the place upside down. But when the bear cleared out, the evidence it left behind was miraculous.
“Any cancer specimen left behind was tested and the cancer had been killed completely,” said surviving researcher Rhonda Scott. Scott headed up a team to begin bear cancer research immediately. “Everyone knows bears are killing machines, but who knew they could kill cancer too?”
87% of Scott’s team has died in the testing they have done on bears ever since. “Many have urged us to keep this quiet. Yes, there is a cure for cancer but it’s not popular in the medical community because it’s bears, and bears kill a ton of doctors.” The National Alliance of Physicians has stated that killing multiple doctors off every time cancer needs to be cured is “not worthwhile”, but so far no other way has been found.
“Many have urged us to keep this quiet. Yes, there is a cure for cancer but it’s not popular in the medical community because it’s bears, and bears kill a ton of doctors.”
“The bear won’t just kill the cancer. It has to get whipped up into a blind rage and the cancer can only be a bystander in its rampage of death. If we don’t sacrifice at least a few doctors and medical staff, we can’t get results,” Scott said. She also stated that the only way to cure a cancer patient using the bear technique is to kill the patient, “which is kind of pointless”.
Cancer research still has a long way to go, but Scott and her surviving colleagues feel like they are onto something big. “Some people say bears will be the death of humankind, and they probably will be. But the silver lining in all this is, if bears take over, cancer will finally be completely done away with.”
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.