Miracle Face Transplant Gives Bear New Life

When a grizzly bear tore down the doors of New Mayo Clinic, doctors were afraid they would not be able to give the creature what it demanded: a new face.

The procedure was unprecedented. Human to human face transplants are cutting edge science, but this bear wanted a human face. “We were taking an enormous risk,” said lead surgeon Darrell Elfman, “bears are incredibly aggressive animals.”

Besides the bear’s tendency to lash out during the procedure, they had other things to consider. The surgeons were not sure if they would be able to find a donor, “then the bear killed Tim, and it was pretty much decided for us,” Elfman said. They also worried the face would not fit well over the bear’s skull, “the results speak for themselves. It’s just amazing what modern medicine is capable of.”

The bear left Mayo Clinic with a new life, “it really confuses people, especially when it walks around on two legs. People aren’t sure what to make of it, so they just look away and get the hell out of there. The bear gets a real kick out of it.”

But the surgeon knows that the creature is a wild animal. It may have a new face, but its soul is red in tooth and claw. This is exemplified by its heartless behavior, “it keeps stopping by to peek in at Tim’s family through their windows. His poor wife. Such nasty creatures.”

Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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