Washington D.C.—President Trump met with leaders to be briefed on the high classified situation concerning bear attacks. While those details cannot be disclosed, sources claim that upon receiving the information, Trump was so shocked that he choked on a fry.
“At first when he started to choke, nobody did anything. Chris Christie looked over at Vice President Mike Pence and they both just sort of shrugged,” said stenographer Clarence Jones, “everyone started arguing about not knowing the Heimlich maneuver.” When Trump’s face turned a deep shade of plum, the medical staff was informed.
Witnesses say Trump began punching himself repeatedly in the stomach to dislodge the french fry. Eventually, the fry shot out and hit Senior Advisor Steve Bannon in the left cheek. When he asked why nobody had tried the Heimlich on him, the room was awkwardly silent.
Trump had the french fries taken away by secret service and continued the briefing. He looked visibly shaken when he exited the meeting. “In the 20th Century, the United States defeated Fascism, Nazim, and Communism,” Trump said in a press conference after the briefing. “Now, a different threat challenges our world: bears. Trust me, I know. We’re gonna get ’em. I know people.”
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.