DeVos Confirmed, Immediately Distributes Free Bear Guns to Schools

WASHINGTON—The US Senate has confirmed President Trump’s nominee for education secretary, Betsy DeVos. Vice-President Pence cast the tie-breaking vote to secure her cabinet role, splitting the chamber 50-50. It was the first time ever that a vice-president has interceded in such a way for a cabinet secretary. Moments after voting ended, DeVos rushed to the nearest public school with a truck full of loaded guns and immediately began handing them out to children to protect themselves from bears.

“These are just for bears, certainly,” she said as she pulled shotguns, rifles, and handguns from a large crate and handed them out to children. “There’s a lot of bears coming for us and we all gotta do our part to put the fight to ’em.”

The controversial “No Child Without a Bear Gun” initiative has been met with scathing rebuke from both parties, saying that mere bullets will do little to stop a bearpocalypse. When asked if she supported increasing the output of nuclear bombs to ward off bears, DeVos said, “Well that’s not really a school issue. Bear guns are more of a school issue.”

DeVos is slated to tour the United States and personally put a weapon in every hand of every child by the end of May 2017.

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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