New Flu Strain Was Bears the Whole Time

Scientists researching a new strain of Influenza discovered that the flu is actually caused by a single-celled bear called a bearamecium – an organism with just one eye and a brain wired only to maul and devour other cells. They are now calling it Bear Flu, and it is the deadliest flu in history.

Despite its ramifications, researchers were thrilled with the discovery of a new species of bear.  “The bearamecium is a single-celled killing machine. It has one eye, called an ocelloid – a clear sphere similar to an eyeball that allows the creature to see its prey by detecting polarized light,” said head researcher Clarence Wilberforce with glee, “It then charges rapidly forward using its hairy cilia in whip-like motion and grabs prey in its mouth, devouring cells rapidly, eating away at its prey until they are a shriveled corpse.” Wilberforce died later that day.

Dr. Jaime Gómez, a biologist at NC State University in Raleigh, NC who has been studying the organism, described the creature as a microscopic ‘terror’.

Speaking to BNN reporters, he said: “It knows where the prey is. It hides behind microscopic boulders (sand) and jumps out only to tear the other microorganisms and cells to pieces. They never expect a thing until it is too late. I cannot imagine how hard it is for the families of these microorganisms.” Dr. Gómez then started sobbing uncontrollably. He also died that evening.

Bearamecium is a genus of unicellular ciliated protozoan, often found in stagnant basins and ponds, but also in bear pee, sweat, saliva, and sneezes.

Some cells in this family are able to gain energy from the sun just like plants while others maul and eat other cells for energy, sport, or spite. Similar protozoa hunt by detecting tiny vibrations produced by their prey but their attacks can be wildly inaccurate, but the ocelloid of the Bearamecium makes it a ruthless cellular killer.

Health experts advise that, as bearamecium spread to more bodies of water, humans should avoid swimming and especially drinking water from bearamecium-laden sites. Once inside a person’s body, a bearamecium can travel through sneezes, sweat, tears, and all other bodily fluids. Every attempt at killing the creature has only caused it to rapidly multiply. Experts suggest drinking only bottled water and remaining indoors, as human deaths by bearamecium are particularly drawn-out and agonizing as you are devoured one cell at a time.

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One thought on “New Flu Strain Was Bears the Whole Time

  • May 18, 2017 at 8:11 am
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    Bears are the beginning and the end of this world. This world is bears. Everyone is bears.

    Reply

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