NASA Predicts 85% Loss of Life After Bearricane Strikes

BNN — NASA’s forecast ferocity of Bearricane Ursa prompted a White House evacuation, spurred the U.S. military to deploy ships and aircraft, and had residents across the US seeking shelter.

No one had ever seen anything like it. What experts thought was another hurricane quickly proved to be something much larger, and much more dangerous. “We don’t know what else to call it. It’s a bearricane,” said Maxwell Parnell, director of the National Hurricane Center.

At 5 a.m., the disastrous storm was about 660 miles (1,065 kilometers) northwest of Guppy Creek, Alaska. The storm was moving south at 130mph, a speed that was expected to continue for an indeterminable amount of time. It hit the coast of San Diego hours later. Satellite imagery and reports from a hurricane observation plane revealed the storm contained more than the typical wind and rain. The violent storm was comprised almost entirely of swirling, flailing grizzly bears.

The Hurricane Center at NASA said that the best course of action would be a planet-wide evacuation, but that’s just not possible at this time. Last night, the first group of world leaders boarded a spacecraft and headed into space to wait out the storm.

Experts have arrived at the conclusion that the bearricane started somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness, where millions of bears began running in a circle, powered by their rage and feral desire for vengeance against mankind.


The forecast for the coming week shows bearricane Ursa’s center striking Alaska, coming through northwest Canada, down over the west coast of the US, then going up and down and all over the United States like a furious child with a magic marker. When it will stop, and where it will go from there, nobody knows. Authorities recommend hiding underground and leaving all honey and salmon behind.


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8 thoughts on “NASA Predicts 85% Loss of Life After Bearricane Strikes

  • September 19, 2016 at 7:17 pm

    “At 5 a.m., the disastrous storm was about 660 miles (1,065 kilometers) **northwest of Guppy Creek, Alaska**. The storm was **moving northeast** at 130mph, a speed that was expected to continue for an indeterminable amount of time. It hit the coast of San Diego hours later. ”

    Isn’t San Diego south of Alaska? Or the bearricane was going a lot faster than only 130mph to make it there the long way in a couple of hours…

    • September 19, 2016 at 9:14 pm

      How dare you questions science!

      • September 19, 2016 at 9:27 pm

        It’s the only thing that gives me the illusion of safety from our mauling overlords!

    • September 20, 2016 at 12:58 am

      130 bearmiles per hour

  • September 20, 2016 at 3:45 am

    Update: We sent out Green Peace last month (with 30 lbs of marijuana comp) to tag all of the bears, so we can track the storm heading during wind shear.

    Our worst fears will be imagined if these monsters adapt to ride the cyclones.

  • September 28, 2016 at 12:44 am

    The Federal Aviation Administration has issued an alert to airline pilots after a United 737-800 flight went down in the Pacific when it’s engines ingested Bears caught in an updraft and lifted up to 30,000 feet. Fortunately, the pilot was able to avoid polluting the ocean with debris and jet fuel by making a dead stick landing on an elementary school.


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