Local Man Slain by Bear Despite Enormous Beard

Bear attack shakes family to its core, “we thought with a beard like that he’d be invincible,” said the victim’s wife.

WATKINS, CO—Nature enthusiast Stewart Douglas walked confidently into bear country last week despite the many warnings given by the ranger services and the local animal and wildlife department. Douglas wasn’t concerned. He had special clearance to enter the forest: a bounteous, majestic beard.

“Nobody was concerned. With a beard like that, he should have been fine,” said parks and rec officer Bradley Smithers. But Smithers was wrong, along with everyone else who assumed the man’s abundant facial hair would serve as a bear attack deterrent. Upon setting foot in the bear infested wilderness, Douglas was promptly slain and devoured by a sleuth of 1600+ pound grizzly bears.

In the wake of this brazen attack, researchers are puzzled. “We took length and density measurements to be sure. The beard checked out. He never should have even been scratched,” said biologist Clarese Margate, Phd.  Experts now believe that bears are evolving rapidly and their biology has taken them to a place where they no longer respect a majestic beard. “This is practically an overnight adjustment in behavior. It’s unprecedented,” said Margate. “A total game changer.”

Douglas’s family is making preparations for his memorial service which will be held next Tuesday at the Stocker Funeral Chapel in Bennett. Stew Douglas is survived by his wife, Paula, thirty seven children, nine dogs, and his mother and father. The Douglas family asks that any donations be sent to the Douglas Beard Awareness Foundation, a new non-profit organization to raise awareness of the lack of respect bears have for beards.


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.
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