At last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump spent a lot of time attacking one another but polls show that most Americans wish the candidates would just get down to the bear issues. BNN has combed over thousands of news articles, interviews and hours of debate footage and campaign speeches to sift out all the mudslinging and unearth each candidate’s stance on every major bear issue concerning America. Here they are.
2016 Bear Issues According to Candidate
|Best Strategy for Handling a Charging Bear||“You need to raise taxes on the rich. Bears are just upset that some people aren’t paying their fair share. If we raise taxes, bears might leave us alone. And if not, at least while you’re being torn apart you’ll be comforted by the fact that rich people now have less money.”||“You stand up and you let the bear know who is boss. No bear would ever attack me because they know I’m tough. When bears see me, they curl up and play dead. Just ask Sean Hannity. Someone please call him. He’s a very sad, lonely man.”|
|Hibernation||“This shouldn’t be just for bears. I support our nation’s union workers to also be able to sleep for four months straight.”||“Not an actual thing. It was just made up by the Chinese to lull us into a false sense of security during winter. Trust me, I know.”|
|Best Bear Trap||“The best bear trap is tolerance and understanding.”||“Here’s your best bear trap, believe me: Some sort of box propped up by a stick and you have like, a string tied to the stick and them some bait under the box to attract the bear. You know, something it likes to eat. A small child, maybe. We’ll figure it out.”|
|Can There Be Friendly Relations Between Humans and Bears?||“I once saw a bear at a circus. He got loose and attacked a clown. We can all relate to that.”||“Bears like to kill people, so we let them kill the right people. Our soldiers should ride bears into battle against ISIS.”|
|Favorite Bear||“Yogi the Bear’s little companion, Boo Boo. He was the calm, reasonable leadership Jellystone needed and helped in the redistribution of picnic baskets.”||“Harambe. Excellent bear. It was wrong how that kid jumped in his enclosure and shot him. When I’m president that kid will be in jail.”|
|Honey||“I’m glad you’ve brought up this topic. I’ve long talked about the bear obesity epidemic, and honey is the main cause of that. Check out the Honey Portion Size policy proposal on my website. It’s a seventy three thousand page document that should finally bring sanity to this issue.”||“People like honey. It’s sweet. But bears are eating all the honey. Sad. So I’m going to do what those in Washington never could: Kill all the bees.”|
|Animal Rights as Regard to Bears||“When I am president, Smokey the Bear will no longer be forced to wear pants and a hat. Bears don’t like that.”||“So I bragged about sexually assaulting bears. This was just locker room talk. Know that I am always kind to bears, though. Except for that one I had my people shoot in the face. I won’t tell you why. That’s personal.”|
|How to End Bear Attacks||“It’s time to recognize we can’t win this war on bears and relocate all of America to bearless Hawaii.”||“American bears don’t kill people. That’s Canadian bears. I’m going to put a wall on our Canadian border to keep out their bears, one too high for them to jump over. How high can bears jump anyway? They’re pretty fat, so I’m guessing three feet high. So I guess we’ll build a four foot wall. Smart.”|
Frank Fleming is the Author of the science fiction novel Superego and the self-help book Punch Your Inner Hippie: Cut Your Hair, Get a Job, and Make America Awesome Again and the world’s leading advocate for nuking the moon. Follow him on twitter @IMAO_ .