Area man who found berries on his walk in the woods should have minded his own damn business.
ELKHEART, OR — Area man, Carl McConnell was out on a leisurely stroll in the forest when he discovered a bush full of ripe, plump, juicy berries. “I think I’ll make myself a pie,” said McConnell as he passed the bush. A loud snort from the bushes didn’t alarm him. He went to his car and brought back a small bowl. In the distance, something large and brown moved in the foliage. Again, he ignored his surroundings. He kneeled down and began to pick the berries one by one. Moments later he was dead.
The berries had been the prized possession of an area grizzly bear who had been waiting for them to ripen. When the bear came upon McConnell picking her cherished meal, the animal went buck wild, making a series of grunting sounds. Local bear communications expert Dr. Lee Dennis said “The bear was communicating something to the effect of ‘back the step up offa my m— f—‘n berry bush, son. It’s about to get real up in this b*tch!”
McConnell found himself tossed into the air multiple times, swung around like a ragdoll and then tossed again. Foolishly, the man tried to eat a fistful of berries when the bear stopped to rest, further infuriating his attacker. When he finally figured out what the bear was so mad about, it was too late. McConnell was dragged away by the bear and never heard from again.
Authorities followed a trail of berries to a discarded bowl and shreds of clothing. “Dumb ass touched the wrong berries,” said Sheriff Mark Cunningham.
Deputy Mark Gomez added, “Punk shoulda known betta!”
The general consensus of people in the area was that you mess with those berries you askin’ for it. Apparently, everybody knew not to pick the berries except for McConnell. No funeral arrangements will be made because chump shoulda known better.