Man Dies In Bear Fight Even Though He Wore His Bear Killing Shirt

Pikusquapi, OK—Local man, Corny Dukes was killed last week when he confronted a bear wearing nothing but a homemade t-shirt with the words “BEAR KILLIN SHIRT” scribbled on the fabric in black permanent marker.

Neighbors say Dukes had been wearing the shirt every day for three weeks, trying to sell it to tourists who were passing through. Dukes claimed the shirt possessed magic properties that could weaken a bear’s fighting instincts, and fill its wearer with a savage bloodlust. He even tried to sell the shirt on eBay and Let Go, but had no luck.

Police received reports of a man pacing around in his front yard, slapping himself in the head and biting at fallen leaves, naked from the waist down, wearing only a t-shirt. The man matched the description of Corny Dukes. Neighbors reported seeing Dukes run into the forest shrieking wildly. That was the last time he was seen alive.

The blood-stained, “bear killin’ shirt,” was all that was found when rangers went searching for Dukes. Apparently, he had met his match and finally put the shirt to the test. Evidence shows the shirt failed that test in every way possible.

Dukes would be happy to know that the bloody shirt is already getting huge bids on eBay. “People like an item with a good story,” said Clark Hemmett, the antique dealer who procured the garment.  Bidding on the shirt closes on March 30th.

Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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2 thoughts on “Man Dies In Bear Fight Even Though He Wore His Bear Killing Shirt

  • January 24, 2017 at 3:15 pm

    You know, Winnie the Pooh wears only a shirt without pants, which has led to him being banned in at least one country. Perhaps the Bear was offended by iconic pant-less Bears being apparently mocked by a human. Or, maybe he was just enforcing the Woodlands dress code, which definitely requires pants for humans. (Actually, white tie and tails, too: Bears are not all that interested in making it easy for humans to avoid the penalty for breach of dress code, and the Bear legal system is simple, as you know, with only one penalty.)


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