Pikusquapi, OK—Local man, Corny Dukes was killed last week when he confronted a bear wearing nothing but a homemade t-shirt with the words “BEAR KILLIN SHIRT” scribbled on the fabric in black permanent marker.
Neighbors say Dukes had been wearing the shirt every day for three weeks, trying to sell it to tourists who were passing through. Dukes claimed the shirt possessed magic properties that could weaken a bear’s fighting instincts, and fill its wearer with a savage bloodlust. He even tried to sell the shirt on eBay and Let Go, but had no luck.
Police received reports of a man pacing around in his front yard, slapping himself in the head and biting at fallen leaves, naked from the waist down, wearing only a t-shirt. The man matched the description of Corny Dukes. Neighbors reported seeing Dukes run into the forest shrieking wildly. That was the last time he was seen alive.
The blood-stained, “bear killin’ shirt,” was all that was found when rangers went searching for Dukes. Apparently, he had met his match and finally put the shirt to the test. Evidence shows the shirt failed that test in every way possible.
Dukes would be happy to know that the bloody shirt is already getting huge bids on eBay. “People like an item with a good story,” said Clark Hemmett, the antique dealer who procured the garment. Bidding on the shirt closes on March 30th.
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.