Trump’s Other Wall: Keeping Bears Out of America
If there is one thing about Trump that unites Americans, it’s his desire to keep all bears out of the country, but at what cost?
Trump’s proposed bear wall would surround the United States, stretching thousands of miles, reaching hundreds of feet in the sky. It would be covered in poisonous spikes, lava barrels, tesla coils, millions of feet of concertina wire, and if there is any hope of getting it approved by Democrats, it will also have to be covered in solar panels and windmills. Trump says he will put exorbitant taxes on honey and salmon to force bears to pay for the wall, but economists remain skeptical that this will sufficiently fund the quadrillion-dollar endeavor.
Then there’s the matter of bears already living in America; can Trump deport them all? Many are protected by national parks and animals rights organizations. Chances are, he’ll have a real battle on his hands if he decides to try to shoo them out of the country waving a stick and shouting “hey bear!” Trump’s team has come up with a “beartapult” device that lures bears into a catapult using honey and salmon, then catapults them over the border, but this would run up even more taxpayer spending on building the devices, supplying them with rich, gold honey, and paying for the damage incurred by bears being tossed blindly into villages in neighboring countries; and let’s not forget, if the bears learn to disarm the devices, the bait will attract more bears, making the bear influx even worse than it already was.
Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop, Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.
The Bears will just hurl all the humans over the wall to not only take over America, but have an airtight, defensible border.
Recently Trump earned himself the “bear hunters” vote by overturning protections for bears in hibernation and bear cubs. I’m not sure of the details, but I remember the outrage by animal lovers and everyone else who cares about America’s wilderness and wildlife.