Man Who Self-Identified as Bear Found Bear Community Highly Intolerant
Ryan Riese of Fulton, MD died yesterday after deciding to don a bear costume and attempt to live among actual bears. He was 36 at the time of his passing.
Nobody knows exactly what prompted cyber security manager Ryan Riese to abruptly walk out of work and into the forest. An ongoing police investigation reveals that for nearly a year, Riese had been spending his savings on commissioning a Hollywood prop designer to create an elaborate bear costume using a secret email account. “I had no idea. I thought he was spending the money on testicular cancer treatments,” his wife, Victoria Riese told BNN. Autopsy reports show Riese did not suffer from testicular cancer but had forged medical records to convince his family he needed the money for treatment. “I even created a GoFundMe account for him,” his wife said.
The money—approximately $42,000—had all gone into one elaborate bear costume. “He wanted it as lifelike as possible,” said Hollywood costume designer Alfredo Fronz. Fronz is known best for his work in films such as The Revenant (2016), Grizzly (1978), The Edge (1997) and Grizzly Man (2005), “He kept asking if it would trick a real bear. I’d tell him, I don’t know man, maybe. I don’t do those kinds of tests. But he just kept pressuring me to promise him this would work. Finally, I was just like, ‘Yeah, sure, it will fool bears, man, stop emailing me.'” Riese’s family is bringing charges against Fronz, claiming the man misled Riese into believing the costume would be safe to wear in the forest. Fronz says he is not concerned with the lawsuit. “I cover all that in the client agreement. You wear my costumes in the forest, that’s your ass, not mine.”
“He kept asking if it would trick a real bear. I’d tell him, I don’t know, man, maybe. I don’t do those kinds of tests. But he just kept pressuring me to promise him this would work. Finally I was just like, ‘yeah, sure, it will fool bears, man, stop emailing me.'” -Alfredo Fronz, Bear costume designer
It was on June 29, 2017, the day after Riese received the completed bear costume in the mail that he left work around 10:45 a.m. and drove to Shenandoah National Park. During the two hour drive, Riese phoned various members of his family to tell them that his testicular cancer had miraculously cured itself so he was going on a little vacation to celebrate. “He loved the outdoors and solitude, none of us thought he was up to anything out of the ordinary,” said his wife. “Of course, none of us knew he spent $42,000 on a bear costume either. We were just excited about his testicles being OK.”
Riese’s car was found off Skyline Drive near Browntown, MD. His trunk was open and packing peanuts were scattered around his car. “Best we can tell, he tore open the bear outfit package, put it on, and headed south,” Officer Dan McWolff reported. The costume was found strewn about the forest after a helicopter spotted part of it on a hillside during a search and rescue mission. Responders say the bears pretty much tore Ryan to pieces the moment they saw him. “There is evidence the costume had an opposite effect. Like, it pissed them off so much, they just ripped him up out of spite,” said EMT Brad Lucas.
“There is evidence the costume had an opposite effect. Like, it pissed them off so much, they just ripped him up out of spite.” – EMT Brad Lucas.
An investigation into why Riese left everything is ongoing, but some think it had to do with his kitchen sink. “It had been giving him trouble for days,” his friend Brien Dulaney said. “I remember visiting him and he was sitting there with pipes and plumber’s putty all over the place, tears in his eyes and he said something like, ‘I just don’t feel like a man anymore. Who am I?’ ‘You’re Ryan!’ I told him with tears in my eyes. ‘That’s all you need to be! Just be you!” Dulaney now wonders if his words prompted his friend to embrace his alternative lifestyle. “If so, I am OK with that. He needed to break out of his self-made prison. He needed to be a bear. I love him.”
But for many, the most disturbing part of this story is not Riese’s lifestyle choice, but the blatant intolerance of wild bears to accept Ryan’s new identity. “This sets us back a lot of years,” said tolerance professor Lisette Cornell, Ph.D. of the University of Maryland. Cornell is petitioning to have bears categorized as a hate group until they show themselves to be more progressive in their view of people’s lifestyle choices. “There’s just no excuse for what those bears did. It’s barbaric.”
There will be a service on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017 from 12:00-12:45 pm. It will be an open casket. Family members have agreed to pay Alfredo Fronz to reconstruct the shredded bear costume so that Ryan Riese may be buried in it. “Unlike those bears, I accept him for who he really is,” said Victoria Riese. The funeral is open to the public and will be held at Hungry Bear BBQ, 2263 E Parkway, Gatlinburg, TN 37738. In lieu of flowers, if so inclined, please make a donation to the Bear Tolerance Education and Awareness Foundation.
Published on Bearmageddon News Network on June 30, 2017.
55 thoughts on “Man Who Self-Identified as Bear Found Bear Community Highly Intolerant”
Hey, Dr. Darwin! Hold my beer and watch this!
Fortunately, no one was killed, and the bears are OK.
You’re completely right. Obviously, according to the report, obviously no one was killed but Ryan Reese, and his family has been unhappy to the point of being litigious. I’m sure you’ll have a great deal of fun making it clear to Ryan’s family that he was no one. Be sure to tell us how happy they are with you as a result.
WAIT WAIT WAIT…
Could you delete my comments here, including all of this one? I just found the disclaimer. (facepalm) “Bearmageddonnews.com is Satire. Nothing here is intended to be thought of as True. This page is for entertainment purposes only.”
I’M SORRY, MANUEL, AND EVERYBODY. Fer cryin’ out loud…they fooled me….
Hahah but it’s so entertaining.
I feel for the bears, and Ryan. I feel for me too though. When are we going to see the reasoning behind race differential in humans as example to how to properly treat eachother, species wise?
HAHAHAHAHA!!! This is absolutely insane! What the heck did he expect the Bears to do? They are wild animals they’re not civilized…they’re wild animals, leave them alone don’t disturb them.
You seriously thought this was real?!?!
People, people, people….. have ya NOT read the Disclaimer below ……… In case ya didn’t see it …. This is what it sez …….
** Disclaimer: Bearmageddonnews.com is Satire. Nothing here is intended to be thought of as True. This page is for entertainment purposes only.
I can’t believe this is true. I kept reading and reading waiting for a punch line or something….
SATIRE=THE WHOLE THING IS THE PUNCH LINE, MANG
What? do you expect a bear to jump out and say…
Omg, people are brain-dead. it’s SATIRE for cryin’ out loud.
You gotta bear with these clueless folks while they bare their naivete to those of us bearing bare tails…Oops…tales…of the rigors of the Bear worldview!
Well beyond the threshold of realizing it’s satire.
Satire = Fake
Hopefully he didn’t suffer. ?
My sources tell me this is not satire, although the names have been changed. The problem was not the Bear Suit, but that Bears have the most sensitive nose in the animal kingdom. Dogs wish. The idiot did not smear himself with Bear Musk, although I don’t know how one would safely obtain that.
P.S. I love my Morning Be Like Bear coffee mug.
Fucking retard. I’m morenpissed about the gofundme money made. Sucks to sucks
It’s fake people! No go fund me page exist. Fake funny a joke
This story is B.S.! I live next to skyline drive. (Browntown is in VA, not Maryland!) no one around here ever heard of this, and if this had happened EVERYONE hear would know about it!
Awe. Bud…. It’s a joke sweety
Now the wife wants to sue the costume maker?? What a bitch!!!
Proof you can write a fake news story, TELL everybody with a disclaimer the stories are false sand people still comment about it as if it’s the gospel. That’s truly un-BEAR-able.
Browntown is in VIRGINIA. Not Maryland.
Browntown is in Alaska according to Discover channel.
Let’s not be(a)rate the bears for their intolerance–it’s refreshing to me to know we are not the only species in the animal kingdom with such a penchant for intolerance!?
Don’t cry for him all good bears and good people in bear costumes go to heaven ????????
I didn’t read the disclaimer, but I thought I was being punked the whole time. Awesome.
The sad thing is that people will believe this because in our society it’s not too far fetched to think that someone did this. Our world is nuts!
OMG, SO SAD, HE JUST WANTED TO BE A BEAR.
There is a certain “someone” high up in our government who says there is nothing but fake news out there…this is a perfect example!! And this one even came with a disclaimer!
This article was clearly born a satire, but it identifies as legitimate.
Well if this were a true story and seeing such idiots now days trying to identify as this or that I am half inclined to believe it, BUT PEOPLE SERIOUSLY!!!I f you wanna be a bear RESEARCH how boars act when they get together they don’t wanna be buddies and go out for a beer, THEY KILL EACH OTHER!!! not to mention bear do not smell like humans they roll around in the most rotten rank dead carcasses and poop that they can find , they find that enticing…If you are not as strong as a bear You do not go out and fool them that you are a bear, they will fight you like they fight each other with the STRENGTH OF A REAL BEAR, BEAR vs. MAN…uhmmmm Man NEVER WINS without a gun…so it sounds as tho the man who made the suit did too good of a job and made him look like a boar bear…
Look, just because you wear a fur suit and poop in the woods… does not mean you are a bear…at least not one in the eyes of bears. Bears are the most intolerant of animals. I have tried to sit at their table for lunch and they literally GROWLED at me. The do all those fun things like waving and playing on hammocks. But you try to join them and the chase you away. I hope this Bear Tolerance Education program helps them to see the error of their ways and see that we are all bears. Especially, on cold winter nights… I can’t believe their bullying led to this man’s death. If they had just been more accepting and tolerant, he would still be “alive.”
Hey Ryan, we don’t believe you have testicular cancer…show us your (you’re) nuts!!
Too bad he didn’t read Last of the Mohicans. He could have learned something from Hawkeye. I mean, if he could dress as a bear and fool the *Indians,* he certainly would have fooled bears.
Bwahaha!! This bears repeating!!
Life is temporary. (not satire)
Now it’s proof positive fact that if people will believe this site which is marked as Satire, which seems from what I can see is based after a real story in Alaska from a man that was harassing bears for some reason, that there really are stupid people out there that will believe anything told to them by CNN.
Now we know.
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People are really believing this I think its hilarious at the level of ignorance!! People just can’t tell the difference between real and Satire anymore
this story iz not true itz totally a joke the bears didnt eat nobody who wuz falsely advertizing that he wuz a bear.
but i’ll tell you one thing he wuz…
sorry, totally false tasteless joke I wuz making there.
Not A Bear
You guys would have been sued by my wife if I’d hurt myself falling out of my chair lauging when I got to the part about the Hungry Bear BBQ…….. man, great story (hopefully the disclaimer included “Don’t try this at home”….. ).
This is unbearable! I can bearly contain my outrage at this obvious hate crime! Those bears have lost all traces of humanity. They couldn’t show the bearest degree of tolerance? This younger generation of wildlife has definitely lost its bearings.
Given the current transwhateverism climate it’s easy to believe that this was a true story.
If this is satire, then living with bears in a kevlar costume hasn’t been disproven.
I can easily see this being real… in today’s society?? And how stupid people are??
I’m actually surprised it isn’t……
But it is fargin hilarious though!!
Funny article. So funny, that rightwingnews.com copy pasted it as fact. Oh you silly right wingers
Yeah, Peter…What’s happening? I’m going to need you to go ahead and come in Sunday also. We lost a few people this week and we need to play a little catch-up. Mkay? Thaaaaannks Peter!
Guys! I’m still alive! I tore apart the other bear and ate/licked all blood and guts! They just found the remains of the bear. Bear culture is the best. Every day, we go out and hike up Mount Bearcano. It is the best!
BEAR IN MIND
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