Man Beats Spartan Race Record For Most Extreme Death by Bear
Kevin Rasmussen (age 35) loved an extreme challenge. When a 1400 lb. grizzly bear crossed his path on a Spartan Race course, he decided to take it on the Spartan way. He got killed.
“Spartans got killed by bears all the time,” commented Sparta historian Daryl Koupenhauer. “He was right about that part. But that’s pretty much what happens to all cultures when they try to take on a bear.”
At the Ultra Beast Marathon in Eden, Utah on Monday, July 17th, 2017, Rasmussen joined over 200 other racers on one of the most extreme obstacle courses ever built. All was going well for Rasmussen who was taking the lead, but then the course became even more extreme than usual when a grizzly bear found its way onto the track. “Kevin may have thought the bear was one of the obstacles,” said participant Marlo Hagley. “I mean, the Ultra Beast is a really hard core race. He probably thought they had taken it to the next level.”
“When a bear enters a Spartan Race it’s a real game changer. It’s no longer about how you finish the race, but about how you finish your life,” commented Spartan trainer Hal Wembley. “This is the moment that will define your legacy. What did you do when that bear looked into your eyes? Rasmussen stepped up to the challenge.”
“When a bear enters a Spartan Race it’s a real game changer. It’s no longer about how you finish the race, but about how you finish your life…”
In an impressive sequence of maneuvers, Rasmussen managed to kick the bear in the shin and rip out a clump of hair surrounding the bear’s left nipple. Analysts later agreed he was going for a titty twister. “That would have been a game changer,” said race analyst Julianne Clarke. “But he still did pretty well.” Regardless of not managing to pull off a titty twister, Rasmussen still managed to score “most extreme bear slaying” on the Spartan online list of records when the bear ripped his head from his jaw then impaled his corpse with his left leg in a matter of seconds. His family will be awarded a gallon jug of whey protein isolate, a Spartan racing windbreaker, head band, extreme looking sunglasses and two sets of ear buds. “They should be very proud,” said Spartan trainer Sandy Newsom.
Analysts later agreed he was going for a titty twister. “That would have been a game changer”
Spartan Race Inc. released this statement following Rasmussen’s death: “Spartan Race Inc. believes every death is a horrible tragedy but denies that there is anything implicit in the title of the Ultra Beast course, the slogans “Slay the beast”, “never back down on anything”, or “No beast of Earth shall breaketh a Spartan” that suggests we condone trying to fight a bear. Perhaps people should look up some of our lesser known but equally valid slogans such as, “Don’t f*** with bears.”
Published on Bearmageddon News Network on July 18, 2017.
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Nice touch of realism about the jawbone thing, although an even better move would be the classic “Bear rips off jawbone and shoves it into brain pan of victim.”
Get your own BNN obituary? I must question the taste of this promotion. Many thousands of real people die every day. Not a few of them are killed by bears, although not as many as by hippos. Sure, you don’t know them, and don’t care, but it’s always “too soon” for somebody.
Are there limits? What if I pay for the Bearssassination of a public figure like Pope Francis or Carrot Top? Wrong victim and Bearmaggedon news is on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s Hate Group List faster than you can say “Jimmy the Greek.” So, let’s say I tell you, “Yeah, the Pope told me he had no problem with being humorously killed by a Bear as a gag.” I think it’s going to sound pretty weak to say, “But some guy TOLD me the Holy Father was cool with this” when the Swiss Guard show up at your apartment scaring the cats with their enormous pole arms.
Or Carrot Top, for that matter.
a bearmageddon denier ursine-apologist if I ever saw one. You know that the bears won’t spare you any more than the next guy for trying to suppress the TRUTH from being reported?