Woman Who Used Potato Diet to Keep Bear From Eating Her Decapitated by Bear

FAIRVIEW, AB — An Edmonton woman who wanted to test her theory that bears don’t want to eat people if they taste like potatoes went into the Alberta wilderness on Tuesday and never returned. Kristi Shmyr, a social justice activist and nature lover, had eaten only potatoes for seven years and was convinced that her entire essence had become 100% potatoey.


But Rangers found the woman’s head about thirteen kilometers from the area where she had gone into the forest to test her theory. Experts say it looked as if it had been swatted off like a tennis ball and traveled a great distance.


The Forest Service later found the rest of Kristi’s body unscathed, not far from the trail head where she entered the forest.


Bear expert and ranger, Morris VonSpinkler told the press that the evidence showed that Shmyr had gone into the forest to prove her theory that she could walk up to a bear and not be eaten if the bear perceived her to be a walking, bipedal potato. “It was a sound theory. Bears hate potatoes,” VonSpinkler said. “But nobody had ever considered what a bear might do to a sentient, moving potato with a soul. We now have our answer.”


Forensics teams said that the amount of force the bear used to swat the head off of the woman’s neck was godlike. “Imagine if Thor lplayed tee-ball with his hammer,” VonSpinkler said.


“This was definitely a crime of passion,” the chief examiner told the press.
Kristi Shmyr’s Facebook profile was left with a final post that read, “If what I am about to do works, humanity may never again experience the horror of having one of their own devoured by bears. Wish me luck.” The post had a photograph of Shmyr’s hand holding a potato against a radiant sunset with the sun beaming out from behind it.


“I’m so proud of her,” said Shmyr’s partner, Deja. “She set out to prove something and she proved it. Nobody else ever again has to die by being eaten by bears. All they have to do is eat potatoes for seven straight years. That knowledge is out there now because of Kristi. She’s a hero.”


Kristi Shmyr was born 18 July, 1978 and was forty years old at the time of her death. She is survived by her dog Lua, her partner Deja, and her We, Corey.


A memorial service will be held at Gin N’ Taters Potato Farm in Fairview on Sunday. Shmyr will be buried under a pile of potatoes, as was her dying wish.

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9 thoughts on “Woman Who Used Potato Diet to Keep Bear From Eating Her Decapitated by Bear

  • February 12, 2019 at 4:52 am
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    Mrs Potato Head

    Reply
  • February 12, 2019 at 4:56 am
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    Mrs. Potato Head

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  • February 12, 2019 at 8:49 am
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    It sort of worked. She didn’t get eaten. “Make mental note: potato hash needs more garlic…”

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  • February 12, 2019 at 2:11 pm
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    “Imagine if Thor layed played tee-ball with his hammer,” VonSpinkler said. Who is responsible for proof-reading being the article gets published?

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  • February 12, 2019 at 8:30 pm
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    “The Forest Service later found the rest of Kristi’s body unscathed, not far from the trail head where she entered the forest.”

    I guess the good news is that her theory was proven..so it kinda worked out for her.

    Reply
  • February 12, 2019 at 9:28 pm
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    She’s not a hero but she was an idiot. So what if she didn’t get eaten because either way she’s dead.

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  • February 14, 2019 at 7:33 pm
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    You guys are sick. 🤪😜😉

    Reply
  • February 15, 2019 at 7:40 pm
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    is this real or a joke?

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    • February 17, 2019 at 9:11 am
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      It’s not real! Anyone who believes that story is not a JOKE, provide me with an applicable link.

      Please y’all stop taking things as fact just because you hear it from some random place on the internet (in this case, bearmageddonnews).

      Reply

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