M. Night Shyamalan’s Ultimate Twist: He Was a Bear All Along

Always shocking audiences, Shyamalan revealed to media outlets worldwide his true form: an eight-foot-tall Eurasian brown bear.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Known for his shocking twist endings and not-so-subtle cameos, writer/director M. Night Shyamalan has wowed audiences with films like The Sixth Sense and Signs, but nobody was prepared for his greatest twist yet. While doing some press for his upcoming 2017 film Split, Shyamalan tore off his pants, sports coat, and entire human epidermis to reveal he’s been a 900-pound eight-foot-tall brown bear this entire time.

Unfortunately, the flashing lights of the paparazzi irritated the animal into a blind rage, with the acclaimed director swatting at TMZ cameras and mauling a promising, young intern. After the beast was coaxed out of its fury with a nutritious beetle nest on the underside of a nearby log, reporters asked the filmmaker if his newly-ursine lifestyle would affect his approach to moviemaking. Shyamalan responded with a series of guttural roars, which expert biologist Dr. Irwin Nussbaum believes could be roughly translated to: “Less mystery and intrigue. More fresh salmon and riverside maulings.”

Unfortunately the flashing lights of the paparazzi irritated the animal into a blind rage, with the acclaimed director swatting at TMZ cameras and mauling a promising, young intern.

Star of M. Night’s The Happening, Mark Wahlberg was just as surprised about the shocking news as anyone else. “You know, on set, he’s a total professional. We’d talk over the scene, hone in on my motivation, really a great overall experience. Then at the end of the day, he’d call for wrap, and his handlers would take him back to his pen. There were really no signs about any of this bear stuff.”

“You know, on set he’s a total professional. We’d talk over the scene, hone in on my motivation, really a great overall experience. Then at the end of the day, he’d call for wrap, and his handlers would take him back to his pen. There were really no signs about any of this bear stuff.” -Mark Wahlberg

And while Shyamalan is higher on the food chain now thanks to his superior strength and ability to climb tall trees far better than any human could, as usual, he still has his detractors. The Rotten Tomatoes score for M. Night’s big bear reveal is a measly 32%, with critics calling it “bearly worth talking about.”


hahnGreg Hahn is writer/Story editor for Cartoon Network’s Sonic Boom; Lover of TV, film, toys, cartoons, and pro wrestling; Perpetual Man-Child. Follow him on twitter @ItsGregHahn

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One thought on “M. Night Shyamalan’s Ultimate Twist: He Was a Bear All Along

  • October 1, 2016 at 5:17 am
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    I APPLAUD M. NIGHT SALMON (PROPER SPELLING). MORE BEARS SHOULD BE IN POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY OVER US PUNY HUMANS.

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