Bear Safety Instructor Can’t Stop Laughing After Class Ends

His  bear safety classes are the most popular in America. There’s only one catch: “It’s all turkey sh*t.”

These are the words of self-proclaimed bear survivalist Martin Swinkler, the man who has raked in nearly a seven-figure income thanks to his sold out classes and high priced webinars on bear survival. “I tell people what they want to hear. People want to believe you can actually survive an encounter with a bear. I provide them that fantasy and they pay handsomely for it.”

I tell people what they want to hear. People want to believe you can actually survive an encounter with a bear.

Swinkler busted into another long fit of laughter, a habit that has left his eyes bloodshot and watery, and his head shaky on his neck. Minutes later, he is still laughing so hard our crew thinks he may not be breathing. He catches his breath only long enough to squeal out,”They think- they can survive– a bear attack HAHAHAHAHA!” then into another flurry of cackles he goes.

They think– they can survive– a bear attack HAHAHAHAHA!

Swinkler’s guide to bear safety includes many of the traditional bear survival tools he says are actually all a bunch of hooey: Bear spray, bear traps, guns, bear lockers and old sayings like “if it’s brown lie down, if it’s black fight back”. Swinkler says the more accurate saying would be “If it’s a bear, you’re dead, dumbass”.

Though it has been shown to be statistically impossible to survive a bear attack, people cling to hope that Martin Swinkler has unlocked a secret that no one else has thought of yet. As long as people will believe in the impossible, Swinkler will be made a richer man.

Martin’s laughter went on so long that he could not answer any more questions.


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.
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