Billionaire Fights Crime as Bear, Never Even Has to Punch Anyone

GOTHUM CITY—He chose the image of a bear to strike fear into the hearts of evil men. It worked better than he had imagined. “Crime, as we know it, has ended,” said police commissioner Corden.” As long as Bear Man is roaming the streets, criminals have chosen to take their shenanigans elsewhere. Turns out criminals are freaked the hell out by bears.” Most foot traffic has subsided with the rising perception that there is a bear running loose in the streets.

The billionaire behind the bear costume is  Brutus Swayne, heir of the Swayne fortune. “I was really, really bored being so rich. I needed to do something with all this money all over the place,” said Swayne. “Plus, I wanted to avenge my parents who were killed by an escaped mental patient and this was the most sensible thing I could think of,” Swayne said as he adjusted the intricately crafted bear mask created to fit his face perfectly. “I’m working on a pretty sweet car right now that looks like a giant bear with machine gun claws,” he said.

Swayne says he plans to also move his crime fighting headquarters to a real bear cave located near Swayne Manor, one that is full of live bears. “I’m going to be like one of the bears,” he said. “They’ll follow me all around and stuff when I fight crime. I’ll slide down to the Bear Cave in this big tube and my costume will just latch right onto my body. It’s gonna be super expensive.”

“We’re incredibly worried about him,” said Barnabus Swayne, the father of Brutus. “He thinks me and my wife are dead and now he’s doing this. He lost it somewhere in his mid-twenties. We really shouldn’t have let him be raised by nannies, nurses, and Nintendos. We should have been there for him more, but we thought making money was more important,” lamented the father. “Now look what he’s blowing it all on.”


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe CopDickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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One thought on “Billionaire Fights Crime as Bear, Never Even Has to Punch Anyone

  • December 1, 2017 at 9:29 am

    wtfishtidhthiws is the bst thvng to ever graqce thiw god abaqndoned stretch of earth., all i want or need tpo do for the rest of my ,ide is read this website



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