10 Signs a Bear is Stalking You

Being stalked by a bear is one of the most dreaded experiences anyone can experience. Do you know all the signs you are being stalked by a bear? Read on for expert tips on how to tell if you have a grizzly on your tail and what you can do about it.

 #1.  It takes a second look

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This is the first sign a passing bear might think about paying you another visit. They look, and then they look again. Watch those eyes. If they take that second look, they see something they want.

#2. Check for paw prints or fresh droppings in your vicinity

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Think the bear didn’t follow? Think again. Check any areas near your home where paw prints could be left. Check your lawn for droppings. If you find anything, lock your door. You have a stalker.

#3. Constant Gifts

Honey on your car. Flowers in your mailbox. Salmon on your doorstep. A stalking bear will pretend like they’re just being thoughtful, but in truth, you’re all they can think about.

#4. You keep “running into” each other when you’re out of the house.

Suddenly everywhere you go, there’s the bear. Places they never were before, now they are acting like they just happen to be stopping by. Don’t let them fool you, you’re being stalked like celery.

#5. Constant phone calls

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The phone rings, you say hello, and all you hear is heavy panting and breathing. You are seriously regretting giving this bear your number. Now it’s getting serious. Get caller ID and don’t answer it when the bear calls, whatever you do. Answering only stokes the flames.

#6. It keeps “accidentally” leaving things at your house

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Maybe your bear started out as a friend or has suddenly become buddies with your roommate. Whatever the case, if they can, they will continually “accidentally” leave things laying around just so they have a reason to pop in on you whenever they want. It’s best to mail the items back if you can. Don’t play its games. That’s exactly what the bear wants.

#7. Your dog is dead

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You go outside to mow your lawn and find your dog ripped apart. Not eaten, just ripped apart in a fit of jealous rage. Now things have reached a new level. We suggest you go stay with relatives out of state.

#8. It chases you in your car and tries to rip the doors off of your car.

Bear chasing your car down the freeway, clawing at your tires? Trying to rip your car to pieces? 9 out of 10 times you’ve got a stalker problem. Floor it. Who cares if the cops catch you. At least they have guns and might be able to protect you.

#9. It kills police and military to get to you

If this has happened to you, it’s time to face facts. You have a stalker bear. You need to go to the police station and file a police report, once they restaff. After you’ve done that, stock up on weapons of any kind. Look in your garage. Axes, fire, gasoline, chainsaws. Whatever you can to defend yourself, do it.

#10. It walks through flames with an axe in its skull and still tries to get to you

Let me guess? You tried to douse this persistent bear with gasoline, set it on fire and pound it in the head with an axe? Looks like the only fire you ignited was this bear’s flaming obsession.

#11. It kills you

Most signs are up to interpretation, but this one’s pretty cut and dry. If the bear killed you, it was stalking you. Unless it was a clear accident. Having a stalker is a miserable experience. Hopefully, by reading this article you can make more informed decisions from now on.

Bear stalking is an issue for everyone, why not share this with someone you care about?


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author of Bears Want To Kill You: The Authoritative Guide To Survival In The War Between Man and Bear. He also wrote and illustrated comics like Bearmageddon and Axe Cop.  He is the creative director of the Babylon Bee. 

Read the shocking true story of Bearmageddon today:

 

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38 thoughts on “10 Signs a Bear is Stalking You

  • June 21, 2019 at 10:33 pm
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    Guffaw! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
    • January 27, 2021 at 1:36 pm
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      Yo if it’s stalking you just flee the country and never go back easy yo

      Reply
      • August 4, 2021 at 9:08 am
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        Imagine he is in plane by the way when did they start calling people dialing their number even chimpanzee don’t have that knowledge

        Reply
        • August 14, 2021 at 1:16 am
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          i taught them how to

          Reply
  • June 22, 2019 at 9:13 am
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    Don’t know what happened to first comment. Maybe this article is too old? Anyway, will write it again.

    Guffaw! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
    • September 11, 2020 at 11:00 am
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      This is fake news. Get a restraining order and then the bear will no longer stalk you

      Reply
  • March 15, 2020 at 11:23 am
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    I thought this was a serious article at first… Boy was I wrong.

    Reply
  • June 29, 2020 at 11:23 am
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    OMFG!! I was actually reading this very seriously up until the phone calls. When I saw that the bear may leave me gifts around my house I thought “These sadistic bears are crafty as fuck”….If thats where this list ended you woulda got me for sure….But funny shit regardless LMFAO

    Reply
    • April 26, 2021 at 8:29 pm
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      Is that what your parents said when they had you?

      Reply
  • October 28, 2020 at 7:26 pm
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    Thank you for the image of the bear stalking through the fire with the ax stuck in it’s skull! I’m impressed! That is one scenario that my mind has never come up with while sleeping. I’m quite certain it WILL be added to my bear nightmare repertoire! Again, Thank you SO MUCH!

    Reply
  • November 2, 2020 at 6:48 pm
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    I’m looking for genuine signs, and this is the first thing I found. I was so confused by the phone call one before realizing this is a joke. Thank you for the laugh. ?????

    Reply
  • November 23, 2020 at 2:41 am
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    Dude I have a bear that is coming around my place the last thing I need when searching on how to scare it away is to find a bunch of fucking jokes. Asshole. Not everyone lives in the city and bear fears are false at best. I live in a mobile home and have had a bear tear up garbage twice now I wish I had left it out because now I am worried it’s me he’s going to come after.

    Reply
    • May 14, 2021 at 8:57 am
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      Definitely a stalker bear you should get a restraining order maybe that will deter it

      Reply
  • January 20, 2021 at 9:22 pm
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    This was good and knowledgeable.
    Will instead try to become friends with a friendly bear.

    Reply
  • January 29, 2021 at 8:11 pm
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    This made me laugh so hard when I realised it wasn’t the guide i was looking for ????

    Reply
  • February 13, 2021 at 11:48 am
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    Guess I’m really mostly a bear by these signs.

    Reply
  • February 17, 2021 at 7:08 pm
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    OMGG so helpfull!!

    HAHAHAH those were the best 10 minutes ever thanks!

    Reply
  • February 19, 2021 at 6:54 pm
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    Instructions unclear, am now happily married to bear.

    Reply
  • February 23, 2021 at 1:14 pm
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    Lmao I loved this! I suddenly paused at the phone call and as I kept reading I realized. Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  • February 24, 2021 at 5:54 pm
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    Don’t know what happend to the second comment. Maybe this article is too old? Anyway will write it again.

    Guffaw! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  • March 5, 2021 at 11:43 pm
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    The other day,
    I saw a bear,
    In tennis shoes.
    A dandy.
    He said to me
    Why don’t you run.
    I see you ain’t
    Got any gun.
    And so I ran away from there,
    But right behind
    Me was that bear.
    In front of me,
    There stood a tree,
    A great big tree
    O Lordy me.
    He said to me,
    Why don’t you jump
    Into the air?
    And so I jumped,
    Into the air,
    But I missed that branch,
    Oh way up there.
    Now don’t you fret,
    Now don’t you frown.
    Cause I caught that branch,
    On my way back down.
    The moral of the story is
    Don’t to Bears in tennis shoes
    The End, The End
    The End, The End
    The End, The End
    The End, The End

    Reply
    • June 3, 2021 at 9:33 am
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      True story? Based on facts?

      Reply
  • March 18, 2021 at 12:24 am
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    I’m going to live by this now

    Reply
  • March 30, 2021 at 4:03 am
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    HELP THIS IS TOO FUNNY EVEN IF IT WASN’T MENT FOR A JOKE MY WHOLE FAMILY IS DYING HELP BAHAHAHAHA-

    Reply
    • April 20, 2021 at 1:47 pm
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      Halarius ohhhh my gosh!!!!
      Sooooo funny????
      I wish I had a stalker.. lol jk.

      Reply
  • March 31, 2021 at 7:19 am
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    I was so serious curious and somewhat serious about this (even though I do not live where bears are a thing). I wasn’t expecting the rest of the article! XD

    Reply
  • May 31, 2021 at 1:28 am
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    Ethan you are hilarious! This made me cry laughing.
    Have shared it loads and everyone is laughing their respective asses off.

    Reply
  • June 3, 2021 at 9:03 am
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    I’ve warned my stalking bear friends to change their tactics.

    Reply
  • June 3, 2021 at 9:32 am
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    When in doubt, knock ’em out.

    Reply
  • June 3, 2021 at 9:35 am
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    Don’t be frayedycats, do like you’d do to a big mean shark…punch him in the nose, he takes right off with his tail between his legs.

    Reply
  • June 14, 2021 at 3:56 pm
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    That is sooooooooooooo fake

    Reply
  • June 18, 2021 at 10:35 pm
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    I was Googling polar bears (I wanna vacation to Alaska but I’m scared of polar bears) and this thing popped up. Thanks for the warnings! Will watch out for second looks/eye contact, random ‘gifts’ and seeing one walk through flames after me…

    On second thought, I might cancel my hotel reservations in Alaska now. Scared for life. This will never leave my head now. 🙂

    Reply

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