The Hibernation Myth: How Bears Spend 7½ Months Getting Swole

It turns out that when bears sneak off into caves for months on end, they are not hibernating. They are getting beasted up, stacking iron and getting mad jacked.

 

You’ve probably heard the stories of how bears spend up to 7½ months sleeping in caves, somehow never urinating and muscles never atrophying. You probably thought that sounded a little crazy. That’s because it was.

It turns out that bears are nature’s gym rats. They have extensive home weight sets with tons and tons of dumbbells, barbells, and other weight lifting devices which they pump without ceasing for up to 7½ months every year. It’s an impressive gym regimen and another reason they are probably going to wipe us out.

“Humans simply can’t compete with a bear’s max reps and mad gains,” said bodybuilder Garrison Carlysle. “Bro, those beasts are jacked.”

Researchers have had little luck entering bear gyms without being messed the hell up, but on the few occasions the isolated shred factories have been observed, they mostly contain free weights. “It appears that bears think weight machines are for noobs and jabronies,” observed one of the researchers.  “They also go straight up bitchcakes when some feather lifter doesn’t wipe up their sweat. Do you even lift?”

Though the actual practice of bear weight lifting has not been well documented, the reason behind it is clear. Bears have one thing in mind: world domination. You can’t force an entire planet to its knees if you aren’t stacked.

 


Editor in Chief of BNN. Author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

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